Aries March 21 – April 19 This week will be like all the rest as your boyfriend continues to act like an idiot.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 Dreams will finally be realized this week so remember to wear clean underwear to school everyday.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 You will render the phrase “no rest for the wicked” false this week as you finally master the ability to kill in your sleep.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 You will feel shame for the first time this week. Get used to it because the stars reveal that you are about to make up for all that lost time.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 You’ll try to piss on the kitchen floor to make your point this week. Exactly what that point was, however, will be lost somewhere along the way.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 You will be a bit disappointed this week to find that jail was not at all like you had expected it to be.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 It’s not what the pants look like but how you wear them. But the stars would like to inform you that, despite what the salesperson says, those pants do make you butt look fat.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Nobody in their right mind would do what they will ask you to do this week. That is exactly why they will ask you.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 It will be in your best interest this week to do precisely what your kidnapper tells you to do.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 After your statue is erected in the local park this week, the seagulls will fight over which one gets to shit on your head first.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Love is in the stars for you this week, which means the guards at the retirement home will be on full alert again.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 Accounts will vary as to what pushed you over the edge this week, but everyone will agree that they had no idea you were able to scream for that long.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, october

	Aries March 21 – April 19 You won’t remember exactly where you were this week, but the location and severity of the pain will tell more of the story than you’d care to know.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 Taken in context, most people will agree with you this week that those senior citizens had it coming. Taken out of context, however, and you might be tried for stalking.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 The stars would like you to know that your life will play out like a car commercial this week. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 The debate over nose-picking is split, but everyone will agree this week that no one does it quite like you.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 Consternation will arise this week when your unappreciative girlfriend is the only one around to hear possibly the best fart you’ve ripped to date.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 You will feel slightly like St. Francis D’Assisi or Snow White this week, as the animals of the forest gather round you. They will not, however, be singing, nor will they be herbivores.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 How it got there will not be important to you, nor will how long it has been there. All you will care about this week is how to destroy it.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Always quick with a turn of phrase, Scorpio, you will be at a loss for words this week when you are caught using tongue steroids.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Your ability to exploit those around you will come to an end this week when you, yourself, are tricked into becoming the official taste-tester of a Chinese toy factory.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 No more Mr. Nice Guy this week as the whiskey and Quaaludes finally erase all traces or memories of him.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 There will be a train leaving at 11:00 p.m. sharp this evening. Be on it if you wish to have any chance of escaping that deranged lunatic.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 There will be a train leaving at 11:00 p.m. sharp this evening. Be on it if you wish to have any chance of bringing your deranged, lunatic fantasy to fruition.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, october

	Aries March 21 – April 19 Sobriety will elude you this week, yet again.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 Just trying to make the hurting stop, you’ll be thrown out of a bar in Vaasa this week for being too drunk when the bouncer momentarily forgets that there’s no such thing as too drunk in Vaasa.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 The temptation to start Alcoholics Anonymous classes will be almost unbearable this week. However, the stars would like to remind you that nobody likes a quitter.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 You will be reminded this week of why you drink when people fail to do something about how fucking annoying they are.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 The stars are too shy to say exactly what will happen to you this week but they recommend getting hammered. Really hammered.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 Aquarius is in your sign this week and you know what that means- Party on, Aquarius. Party on, Virgo.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 This week, your appreciation for your best friend’s grandmother’s tolerance for booze will increase proportionally with your attraction to her.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 While the golden rule of drinking (if you don’t remember it, then it didn’t happen) doesn’t necessarily hold true, that won’t stand in your way this week.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 This week, doctors will scientifically prove what your friends and family have always known- that your brain has two settings: drunk and hung-over.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You will reach the conclusion this week that bartenders and bouncers know as much about drinking as cows and pigs know about farming. Revealing this pearl of wisdom will, in turn, give them an insight into the depths of your common decency.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The stars are NOT an angry drunk. You wanna take this outside?
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 The stars will both respect and envy you this week when, in the middle of a three-day bender, you finally say all the things that the stars only have the guts to write in a little-known online publication.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, october

	Aries March 21 – April 19 You will receive the only piece of satisfaction from your loathsome job ever this week when you reflect on the fact that when you finally had had enough and decided to burn it down, it was rather convenient that you worked at a Shell gas station.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 The stars advise you to not read the writing on the wall this week as it will certainly lower your self-esteem.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 While you’ve never been described as a pyromaniac of any sort, you will feel a slight twinge of fascination at the speed in which the flames engulf you this week.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 Whoever said good things come to those who wait clearly did not have a search party in mind, as you will learn this week.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 Success will come rather strangely this week when, after years of research, you will prove that Hanoi most certainly does not “rock”.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 The stars have been around forever and would like to remind you that, in all that time, hockey hair has never looked good on anyone. Ever. They advise you to get a haircut.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 Lady luck is in your sign this week. Maybe you should play the lottery. After all, you’ve got nothing to lose – except a dollar, which you will, indeed, lose.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 You will be abducted by aliens this week but be warned – despite all the cool things they show you, openly discussing this will completely ruin your chances for re-election.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Be wary of your co-workers this week, especially the ones you see fashioning poison darts.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Your life’s crowning achievement will come this week when you single-handedly, through your own life style, cause the saying “no pain, no gain” to become a model for lazy bastards the world over.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Remember to stay calm this week. That’s it… calm… breathe. Good, stay with me…
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 There’s a sparkle in your eye and a smile on your lips this week. Unfortunately for the rest of us, you’re still a creep.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, october

	Aries March 21 – April 19 Your mother may have advised you to say nothing at all, if you don’t have anything nice to say, but the stars, however, have no such filter and inform us all that you suck.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 Keep the wind in your sails this week and you just might make it out of that approaching nor’easter.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 Your belief that you are, in fact, all that and a bag of chips will run into complications this week when people realize that you constitute merely some of ‘that’, and none of it has anything to do with chips.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 Now would be a good time to decide which three things you would take to a deserted island.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 Be on the alert for a certain special someone to send you a certain special message through a certain special medium this week.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 The stars would like to remind you to pick up dry cleaning on your way home from work.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 In a biographical movie about your life, even the soundtrack would be boring.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Whether or not global warming is real won’t matter to you this week as you freeze to death in the still very much cold Arctic Circle.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Whether or not global cooling is real won’t matter to you this week as you die from heat exhaustion in the still very much hot Sahara Desert.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 It would be foolish to sell your soul to the devil for a shiny new sports car this week because your girlfriend will be dumping you for a pilot anyways. Instead, you should opt for the lifetime supply of comfortable footwear.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 In the eyes of the press, you will look like a raving lunatic on a killing spree this week, proving once again that the media distorts everything.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 Nothing will be sacred anymore as your quest to defile every sacred object in the universe finally reaches completion this week.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, october