Licence To Kill

By the time I started writing this post, weeks ago now, the government issued a shoot to kill order against anyone causing any kind of trouble. People couldn’t come to work, go downtown and we were one security phase short of evacuation. That’s when I realized that this wasn’t another Florida, these people would not quietly shuffle back home grumbling and wait for the next elections. The camel’s back had been broken. Right around that time I started asking the locals their opinions on the matter, to form some kind of a general understanding why people were hacking each other to pieces with machetes. I talked to taxi drivers, students, local Kenyans, local muzungus, UN staff and so on. The following is my rough understanding of what went down and why. Obviously it is grossly simplified and generalized, partly to avoid writing a novel, partly because no one, myself included, knows all the details, and “truth” is a relative concept in Kenya.

By the time Kenya got its independence, it had been a colony for ages. The locals owned nothing and were all equally miserable. Then, once the country became independent, a huge amount of power and money was suddenly up for grabs. Unfortunately for everyone else, the Kikuyus and a few minor tribes got there first. They lived in the areas that had the most natural resources, the most international trade and so on, and claimed them theirs as the whiteys left the building. They got all the jobs, all the land that wasn’t owned by white men with mustaches and safari hats, and the rest of the tribes were left to fight for the leftovers. As the notion of “African democracy” is largely an oxymoron, things weren’t going to change very fast through politics, and they didn’t either. After all, the world history isn’t exactly packed with men (yes, just men) who were willing to give up any power once they got to taste it, and so Kikuyus (the the few other, much smaller tribes) remained largely as the “haves” and the rest were different varieties of “have-nots”.

Fast forward 40 years. President Kibaki’s administration hadn’t delivered what it had promised, among which was a new constitution that was supposed to take power away from the president and give it to the people. People were already ticked off and longed for a change. They voted in record numbers, hoping the next guy would different, but knowing all the while that that was hardly going to happen. Well, no matter, there wasn’t a next guy. Mr. Raila Odinga of the opposition, and of the Luo tribe, led the polls just before the elections, he lead by almost 500,000 votes when they were counting the votes, and then something inexplicable. Due to a “breakdown in communications” Kibaki went from down by 500,000 votes to winning the elections by a landslide, over a million votes. No wonder the people headed for the barricades. Now, I don’t know about you, but I have never seen such blatant cheating, not even by the Finnish cross-country skiers or anyone at least remotely connected to cycling. It was the political equivalent of screaming “LOOK, IT’S DEMOCRACY, RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!” and whacking them over the head with a cricket bat when they turn to look. Moreover, one peculiar phenomenon that didn’t exactly help the credibility was that Kibaki, who “won” the election got 44 seats in the parliament, while Odinga got 99. Wait a minute, so you’re telling me that the majority of the people voted for Kibaki, but also voted for Odinga’s party for the parliament? Hmmmm… Obviously every non-Kikuyu thought the elections were rigged, and the Kikuyus tried to stay quiet and hope no-one confronts them. No such luck. If there ever was an example of the shit hitting the fan, this was it. You probably caught at least some of the footage on the news so I don’t have to recap the horrible things that the Kenyans did to their countrymen. Suffice it to say, to quote an African proverb, that “When two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.”

Three quick tips for future reference:
1) IF you have to cheat in the elections, try to do it in a subtle fashion, than stating: “yes, I was behind when only 1,5 million of the votes had not been counted, but they all turned out to be for me..” I’m not exactly a math whiz, but in an election where there are 1500 candidates to begin with (true story), it is more likely for a person to spontaneously combust WHILE getting eating by a shark WHILE winning the lottery, than to get 1,5 million votes in a row. For god’s sake people, haven’t you watched West Wing?

2) IF for some reason you decide to play it fair, do everything you possibly can to be as transparent as possible about it. Hire people to call villages to tell them preliminary results every five minutes, make sure the international media is all over the elections, re-count the votes a few times and so on. Cause people who have been oppressed for a couple of centuries will most certainly not just shrug, say “well that was unlikely..” and go back to their shacks, if someone pulls a comeback of the century out of their ass, pardon my French.

3) IF you claim that you actually have played it by the book, do not announce election results where the voting percentage in several parts of the country is over 100%. It doesn’t look good on paper.

So first everyone blamed the Kikuyus, then things calmed down for a while, until the Kikuyus (and everyone else who had been harassed) decided it was payback time. By this time Kofi Annan was packing his suits to whip these jackasses into shape. There were peace messages everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE. Radio stations, tv-channels, newspapers, internet, fliers on the streets, banners inside the UN compound.. I even got a text message that urged me to be peaceful and love my fellow Kenyans. Now, this is all fine and dandy, but I honestly doubt that half of the poor Kenyans living in the slums and the tiny villages could understand the messages, all written in almost poetically elaborate English OR that they had access to most or any of the above media. Without a political, long-term solution this would be like trying to stop global warming by throwing ice cubes in the sea. Luckily Mr Annan is kind of a big deal in Africa, deservedly (his office smells of rich mahogany and he has many leather-bound books), and results seemed to be around the corner.

It still is, but we can already see a slice of it. There is hope, the violence has ceased for the most part, and there is talk of a new constitution, again. Perhaps Kenya can pull through after all.

However, as I understood from talking to the locals, the problem is far deeper than who is the president. There is a huge amount of young, poor, unemployed people, mostly men, whose patience has grown thin over the decades, and if the people in power don’t soon start looking at the big picture, creating jobs, and dividing power and land, we’re looking at a civil war. In case you didn’t know, the members of the parliament in Kenya are among the best paid in the WORLD (e.g. more than in the U.S.), while the country’s GDP isn’t even in the top 100.

One person who I have to mention in this context is a young man by the name of Felix Oduor. I met him through some German interns who had worked with him in the colossal slum of Kibera. He was well-spoken, smart, politically very aware, and poorer than any of us. He had a surprisingly clear picture of the situation and he was willing to discuss and debate the problem and its possible solutions.
But at the end of the day he told me, without blinking an eye: “If a firing squad (that roamed the country then) came here right now and asked who supported Odinga, to kill them, I would stand up and look into their eyes as they would pull the trigger.” How many of us would do that for any of the politicians in our respective countries? This just goes to show that the time for beating around the bushes, bending over backwards and accepting the harsh reality is coming to a close.

The license to “shoot to kill” hasn’t been used in a couple of weeks now by the authorities, but mark my words, if something is not done about the situation in the very near future, the people of Kenya won’t be asking for a license. Hell, they won’t even need guns to take what they think is theirs. And that, my friends, is when whoever is in the ivory tower needs to go out and buy a bigger fan, because the other ingredient hitting it will be provided in abundance.

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Do You Take Visa?

Yo!

Haven’t heard that in a while, have you? I mean the “yo”, not the title. Unless you’re a part-time waiter like myself. Or a part-time lover, to use a rather strong euphemism that is also an oxymoron. No point here, just though about that for some reason.

ALTHOUGH, it is one of those words that can make your day. Words that you haven’t heard in ages and have almost forgotten entirely. They may have once been used commonly or even been “cool”, but have since then slowly slid to oblivion. Then, when you least expect it, someone called Joey says “hence”, or utters “moist” in an especially saucy way and you crack up uncontrollably and simultaneously start thinking furiously when you heard that particular word last. You may even find yourself smiling on several occasions later that week when that word pops up in your frontal cortex for no apparent reason. I know the examples above may not spark the same response in all of you, but you still know what I mean, right? I find it amazing or even “rad” that a something so simple as a single word can make a day. Additionally, even rare use keeps a word alive, enriching the language and keeping it from turning it into a boring mode of communication, a clinical, crude creole, that carries a message but lacks flavor, or “sound” as one particularly laid back artist, that sports a mullet and pulls it off, would say. So call me pompous and pretentious, but I plan to plant the seeds of language wherever I go. After all, being a little lackadaisical and phantasmagoric about language occasionally is almost a requirement, when one trots the globe boasting to be a cunning linguist.

Granted, a bit too deep for a Thursday night, but try and stop me. I couldn’t.

Meanwhile, the preparations for conquering my fourth continent are going as planned. Actually even better, because I forgot to plan a bunch of things and still managed to get them done before I got thoroughly screwed. One of these things was getting a visa for Kenya. Being a European who is used to jumping between countries with little or no documentation at all, getting a visa slipped my mind for several weeks, until I stumbled upon a document that had the instructions for applying a Kenyan visa. This turned out to be quite a process. First I had to e-mail the closest Kenyan embassy that happened to be in Sweden of all places, so that they’d send me an application. So I waited for that a couple of days. Then I had to take several black and white passport photos to be enclosed with the application, fill the application that was honestly photocopied in the 90′s (it had a date) and put my passport in that same envelope. After having taken my time with the things above I mailed the package to Sweden and thought about a couple of things: 1) Not a whole hell of a lot of people want to travel to Kenya because they haven’t had to update the system in over 20 years. 2) I had just practically sent my identity to Sweden, in regular, good old-fashioned mail. 3) It might not make it back in time with the visa

Number one was more a general wonder-ing-ment, but the two later issues troubled me just a wee bit. What kind of jackass sends his passport, all his personal information in the form of a filled, well..form, together with several current photographs and a bank receipt with the bank’s name, the account number etc.? It would take a retarded monkey no more than 12 seconds to steal my identity with that little starter-kit, and the next thing I’d know I’d allegedly stay in several expensive hotels, have bought most of the stuff that is sold online and would be test-driving a Ferrari F430 without actually doing anything than banging my head into a wall for being the single dumbest dude to ever be allowed in a University.

What’s more, the application instructions specifically said that they should be allowed 4-6 weeks to mail my passport and visa back to me, and I mailed it to them with about 3 weeks before the trip. So if I wouldn’t get them back in time, I would have to report my passport as a missing identity document to the police that would follow the protocol and put it to the international list of “wanted” documents. I would have to pay an arm and a leg for an express passport AND I would have to try to get an entry visa from the Kenyatta airport in Nairobi. WOW!! That went really bad really fast. Well, as luck would have it, the ever so efficient Swedes processed the (probably only) application in record time and I now have an official permission to enter the bliss that is Kenya and in some drawer in Stockholm there is a picture of me, looking like Tom Hanks in “Castaway”, only with shorter hair and bald spot.

Alas!, this was came out to be a “Much Ado About Nothing”- type of post, but why not. At least I got a Shakespeare reference in at the last minute.

Rock on.

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One Step Closer

Jambo, dear fellow humans!

As I promised, this is an update on how the travel preparations for Africa are going, together with some misguided remarks and whatnot.

I have decided to save the packing for the last night. We have plans to go out with some friends to celebrate this country getting rid of me again, and getting a rich guy and a hot girl in return. And although I, myself, am not actually a general manager of any sports team, this three-way trade between Finland, UK and Japan is a friggin’ steal for the land of lakes and drunken dudes, I’ll tell you this for free. So here’s the plan: the dinner starts around seven, probably ends around 22 hundred hours, then some drinks, maybe a shot or 4, a final sauna at the after party at Fab’s pad, after having watched the end of Gladiator with tears in my eyes, again, and I’ll be home at 5, which gives me a good three hours to pack my stuff and be at the airport by 6am, fresh as a baby’s behind. Martijn, that old horse thief, executed a similar strategy in high school and found himself hung over in Switzerland with no underwear, (aspirated initial h-sound)whatsoever, and carefully folded swimming trunks, so I’m looking forward to matching that.

If you’re deductive powers have not failed you, you may have noticed that I’m talking about a particular flight, ergo, I have bought some tickets. Unsurprisingly, flying to Africa cost like a bee-hotch, so I got my tickets for the 24th, which saved me quite a few doubloons. The downside, for those “glass is half-broken on the floor”-people, is that I have to wake up before most roosters of my time zone, and spend my X-mas alone at Heathrow airport… However, that gives my oodles of time for people-watching and most likely some interesting stories to share with you, if I ever go online again, that is. And if I don’t mistake a pair of ever-so seductive “cannons” or “long John’s” for my laptop.

Once I get to Kenyatta airport the next morning I’ll be completely prepared to never see my luggage again, but either way, Jewelz, the ghetto fabulous tree-hugger, should be there waiting for me. If she’s not, it’s gonna be a hell of a blog post, but if she is, cool.

And here comes the cool part: for New Year’s we’re going to Zanzibar!! How you like them apples? And yes, some of you might have been there and so on, but it’s still sweet as hell for me so screw you guys! In order to get there we have to take a 13-hour bus ride to Dar-es-Salaam and then cross over (like Iverson) to the island with a ferry, but I firmly believe it’s going to be worth it.

THEN, once we get back from that little getaway, it looks like I’ll be climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro with Martijn. HmmmI should probably go jogging a couple of times before that.. Naaaw, bench press and biceps is all I’ll ever need to look like an ass globally.

So that’s it for now, my munchkins and jigglewigglers, keep on keepin’ on. (whatever that means)

Below: ZANZIBAAARRRRR!!!

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Africa, I Hear You Asking…

I think you agree with me, enough about Spain. Now it’s time to look ahead, to KENYA!!

You heard me.

The story started when I was coming back from the gym one day at the Vigo university campus. I was listening to 2Pac, vigorously trying to forget the tights that the other dudes were wearing, AGAIN, when Jewelz, the light of my days, calls me. She tells me she got the internship at UN. I’m of course thrilled for her and, after congratulating her, proceed to ask where of the possible locations the internship might take place. “Bruxelles, D.C., or New York”? “Nairobi”, she replies. I stop, take my other earphone out of my ear, and ask her to repeat what she said, because I obviously heard wrong. “Nairobi”, she insists. “But that’s in Africa”, I cleverly point out. “Yeah, in Kenya, to be exact.”, she clarifies.

Well. There go all of my plans for the future. After confirming the previously revealed facts, I hang up the phone, get on the bus and sit quietly with a moronic, blank look on my face until I get to Plaza America, where I get off. I walk home, collapse on my hammock, and start reasoning: “I can’t let her go by herself, it might be dangerous, and we’re already currently apart for 6 months because of my exchange program. And it would be stupid to just visit for a couple of weeks. The plane tickets cost like a bitch, I need to like 6 different vaccinations, malaria medication, and a visa. She can’t fly here, or to Finland, where I’d actually be at that time, because of her work. ERGO, it looks like I’m moving to Africa. HOLY SHIT-BALLS, I’M MOVING TO AFRICA!!”

That was it, my mind was made up. Through the flawless logical deduction process described above I decided I’d move to Nairobi around New Year’s. I was aware of those dozens of stories I had heard about guys who marry the wrong woman and end up moving to Vishnu knows where. My old basketball coach being one of them. But then again, I had resisted the urge of falling on one knee even on those dangerous moments on Sunday mornings when you’re not exactly feeling like a 100 bucks, or smackers as my man IGL (“eagle”) calls them, and your logic is clouded by the remains of alcohol in your cerebellum and an attractive lady that, for some peculiar reason, does not kick you out of bed, even when you smell like asparagus. So I’m good, nothing to worry about.

Except for the few facts I found out after doing a little research on that paradise on Earth I was moving to. For one, it turns out Nairobi’s nick-name is Nai-robbery, because of the thriving street crime. Fun. Also, several foreign ministries advise travelers to stay away from Kenya, especially from Nairobi, unless they really really have to. AND, while trying to get travel insurance my current insurance company casually informed me that Kenya was on their list of war-risk zones and that the insurance would cost me an arm and a leg. AH! Oh well, I merely switched all my insurances to another company who didn’t think there was anything wrong with going to Kenya. Who says ignorance isn’t bliss? The silver lining, if you really want to see it, is that I had to take so many vaccinations that I can now have sex with Pamela Anderson, should that become necessary at some point in the future. Hell, Borat got close and he’s even hairier than I am, so the odds don’t look too bad after all.

Moving on..

SO, obviously I had to start organizing stuff, like how I can keep receiving student money from the government while in Kenya, without actually studying anything at all. Furthermore, we would have to sublet the apartment to avoid paying two rents and so on. AND to keep my sorry excuse for an academic career going somewhere, I had to complete a year’s worth of classes in four months. I could list more things but you get the picture. A lot to do, little time. Which is why I haven’t written here in a while. Well, that and the fact that I’m a lazy bastard most of the time, with moments of shining and uncanny efficiency. And now back to the drawing board. I’ll let you know how the preparations are going in the flashest of flashes, trust me. :)

Peace up, N-town!

P.S. Here’s a pointless picture of a Nairobian giraffe for those who only check in for the photos :

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Closing The Lid On Spain … Finally!

I believe I once promised you a list of all the things that sucked in Spain. Or at least the Top 50. I realize that listing the things that sucked might sound like complaining, but if you wanted only the good things, you could just as well ask a travel agency. Besides, as the hard-hitting journalist that I am, I feel compelled to tell my readers the truth, the whole truth and a little more than the truth, so help me Jeff, the god of biscuits. So here it is:

THINGS THAT SUCKED IN SPAIN (in random order)

1. The rain
2. Phones that never work
3. Fish, as a main course. Just a whole fish, nothing more. What the hell is that?
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4. Gallego, the local language (what the hell happened to Spanish, I’m in Spain!)
5. The 35 min bus ride to the mountain campus in a jam-packed bus with no air
6. The dubbing
7. The local public transportation “system” (although, it’s not really a system, per se)

8. The lack of parks, trees etc. in the city
9. The lack of basketball courts
10. The lack of skills of the local basketball players (there may be a connection..)
11. The infrastructure of the country
12. The hypocracy of some of the exchange student girls (different area code…)
13. Too many cars on the streets (by about 500 %)
14. “Put your hands up for Detroit” WAY too many times at clubs
15. The offensively tall transvestite who harassed me in front of Gazty
16. The motor of Citroen C3 in the mountains
17. The grenades that are classified as “fireworks” in Valencia and Sagunto
18. Sub-zero temperatures while in shorts (hung like a seahorse)
19. The constant drizzle that wouldn’t quit…ever
20. The professional sports teams in Vigo
21. The Italian guy who kept hitting on anything that moved (I stood very still..)
22. My friend, Fab, who kept hitting on anything that moved
23. Me not being able to be hitting on anything that moved
24. Summer not showing up until I was just leaving
25. The water pressure (non-existent, obviously..)
26. Fat-Kat, who ate all the wires, earphones, chargers and kept hanging out in bags and literally chilling IN the fridge

27. The 4 simultaneous English accents of a teacher (it actually hurts)
28. Having to run to the bus stop EVERY morning due to lack of motivation
29. Having to run a half-marathon by accident
30. Having to run into the crazy girl who stalked me, repeatedly
31. The girl who thought and dressed as if she looked like Jessica Alba,

when she actually looked like Fat Bastard

31. Being called a “hairy fatto” by Nick
32. Actually looking like a hairy fatto in the photo below..

33. Losing my A-town cap in Madrid because of a cheese incident

34. The pouring monsoon-type of rain
35. Having to shave my beard (but HAHAA, I already have a new one!!)
36. The “food” at a “famous” restaurant in Segovia
37. The San Pepe festival that made Roskilde look like a tea party at the Hendersons’
38. The unattractive lesbian couple that got WAY too physical at the Brasilian club
39. The lack of attractive lesbian couples altogether
40. Having to lather Aloe Vera on Houdini’s burnt hamstrings, ’cause he COULDN’T!
41. People who “commented” my blog, but never actually commented on anything..
42. Being the only guy in the class whose teacher is a raging feminist.. (got a 9,5)
43. Almost getting killed by an angry and jealous bouncer in Barcelona
44. Almost getting killed by a huge wave in Bayona
45. Almost getting killed when Kataya was behind the wheel in the mountains

46. The type of rain that goes into your nostrils
47. The men in tights at the gym
48. The people who just STOOD AROUND on the dance floor, smoking (It’s Spain!!)
49. My lumpy hammock that the land-lady called a “bed”
50. Having to come back..

As you may guess from no. 50, these things, although sucky at the time, gave birth to the stories in this blog and created even more memories. I wouldn’t trade my time in Vigo and elsewhere in Spain for (almost) anything and I urge all of you to use all the chances you get to hang out abroad at various locations, doing various things. It truly is “all that and a bag of potato chips”.

So like Ben Stiller would say in Starsky & Hutch: “DO IT!”

Check in soon for the intro of the next trip

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