Just Holler

metro-1Today on the metro I watched as the sun left us behind and we ducked into the tunnel near Sörnäinen. The booths feel like sections in a diner, but no table. Like the Pub tram that winds through downtown, but less beer. And orange.

Today three strangers sat with me and I was the only one not talking into my cell phone. Three mobiles pressed to three ears and three mouths a-jabbering.

Immediately above us was a life-size poster of a person in a bus talking on their phone under the caption “Älä Kailota.” Don’t bellow. Don’t holler.

Is it narcissism? For some, surely. A man talks about cheap sex in Thailand. He thinks the dark ones are better. Another tells his wife that he won’t be home tonight because things just haven’t been the same since the baby was born. I’m going to get some, somewhere, he says. Another mentions that she is on the metro 15 times.

Moi (brief silence). Metrossa (brief silence). Kotiin (long winded explanation of day).

Repeat.

To chat is, of course, reasonable. To call children and tell them you’ll be late, mandatory. But don’t stare across the half meter that separates us and look into my eyes while you do it. Glazed like a jelly donut.

Leave. Me. Alone.

**

metro-2It sucks being a security guard. I was one for three years. Sort of. This isn’t about that, just to say that it sucks. You are not a policeman and you are not a janitor. Something in between. On the metro system they have some power. The power to restrain, for example.

The other day a guy got on the metro in Sörnäinen, heading out of the tunnel, out into the light. He was wasted, though not beyond comprehension. He smelled like he had been wearing those clothes since the millennium celebrations.

He bellowed, hollered, tried to chat up an 18-year-old blonde. Middle aged women throughout the car began to squirm. The kid got off. People looked at the ceiling, the floor, out the window. I feigned lingual ignorance. People got off their phones or talked a little louder.

Randomly, in Kulosaari, two security guards entered our car. One was black. This seemed to shock the occupants of the car. When they saw the uniform a few ladies raised their hands, like schoolchildren, but literally did a double take when he answered them. His colleague seemed amused by this, the young man himself, less so. He engaged the drunk and managed to persuade him off the metro in Herttoniemi which was one station short of where he said he was going.

People flipped open their phones and relayed the story. “Älkää kailotako.”

Leave. Us. Alone.

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The Helsinki Corpus Of British English Dialects

The Helsinki Corpus of British English Dialects (HD) is a corpus project initiated in the early 1970s by Professor Tauno F. Mustanoja from the English Department, Helsinki, and Professor Harold Orton from the University of Leeds. The corpus contains over a million words of transcribed dialect speech. Covered are the rural regions of Cambridgeshire, Devon, Isle of Ely, Somerset and Suffolk, all recorded in the 1970s and early 1980s, as well as the urban regions of Essex and Lancashire, recorded in the late 1980s. The recordings were made by Finnish postgraduates.

What makes the corpus special is that it contains free, continuous speech, in contrast to the questionnaire method used earlier in projects such as the Survey of English Dialects. The questionnaire format gave the interviewees (aka informants) a list of questions to which they’d answer with a dialectal form. This method of interviewing provides material useful only for lexical and phonological analysis, which was not in the interest of the HD group. The Helsinki Dialect project was mainly concerned in morphosyntax, i.e. the study of sentence structure and morphology, to which one-word responses in a questionnaire would not provide sufficient material for research.

The fieldworkers, all Finnish postgraduates, lived in the region usually for a summer or two and went from village to village interviewing older people. The interviews were free in form, giving the informants a chance to choose their own topics of discussion. In the early 1980s, under the leadership of Professor Ossi Ihalainen, himself one of the fieldworkers in the HD project, the group began to transcribe and transfer the recorded material into computer format. The use of computers is nowadays an obvious choice, but one must remember that in the early 1980s computers were usually as large as the rooms they were in, and the work involved was more than merely typing with the keyboard.

The dialect corpus is unique in many ways, primarily because it contains free, continuous speech, but also because it covers regions very poorly documented in any earlier studies. The Cambridgeshire dialect was, for example, in the Survey of English Dialects represented with just one locality, whereas in the HD the localities number almost thirty.

Numerous studies have been conducted on the basis of the HD data, most of them, as stated before, morphosyntactic in nature, but some phonological studies were made too. In the present day the material is more valuable than ever. Dialectology is taking new steps with the advent of better software and technology for speech analysis and transcribing. New theoretical approaches have surfaced too, as dialectological research can no longer be based on theories from the 1960s and 1970s that were dominated by the linguistic theories of the time.

The most rewarding approach is studying the grammar of spoken English and how it is in conflict with the grammar of Standard English used in almost all textbooks and linguistic studies not involved with spoken language. It is obvious that the restrictions of written grammar cannot be used as a theoretical basis for studying the free form of spoken language. Even more so with dialects, which are generally considered “non-standard”, a pejorative term that doesn’t even begin to describe the diversity and variety of the vernacular. It is with great anticipation that dialectologists and those interested in regional variation wait for new articles and theories to be published on the dichotomy between standard and non-standard forms of language. One particularly interesting approach developed in the recent years is the Optimality Theory. Its claim is that the grammatical forms of Standard English underlie all the spoken forms too. Whenever these rules are violated in the output of spoken language, they aren’t immediately labelled “non-grammatical” or “non-standard”, but the focus of the theory is to what extent and how these rules are violated. This, in my opinion, is a far more sound approach to describing spoken language than the prescriptivism that has dominated syntactic and grammatical research over the past decades. A study using Optimality Theory to describe morphosyntactic variation in dialects is yet to be done, as far as I know, and I’m sure it will be a welcome change of pace into dialect research.

As students of the English Department in the University of Helsinki, we can hold our heads up with certain pride whenever the Helsinki Corpus is discussed, since it is the flagship of the department, and now under the coordination of the VARIENG research unit.

For anyone interested in studying regional variation and dialectology, I would strongly suggest to visit VARIENG’s website and learn about their various corpora, whose uniqueness is recognised all over the world.

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Hobolympics


Outfit: Each hobo can choose to sport the colours of his own choice. Smearing your clothes with vomit and faeces is generally considered to be in the good nature of the event.

Contraband: Belts, new clothes, clean face, breath mints, self-dignity.

Prizes: The hobo who gathers most points in the Hobolympics will be awarded with first pick in the shoplifter’s paradise of the Central Railway Station stores. Second place hobo will earn a week’s right to sleep in front of the heating vents of Erottaja. Third place hobo will get a “Scrounger of the year” award and a stipend of three sausages and an old boot.

Location: Mainly around the Central Railway Station area of Helsinki. Just follow the urine trail.

Opening ceremonies: Opening ceremonies will be held in front of Kiasma Art Museum. Susie Shit-fingers will screech the anthem, “Penny for the blind, mister? Oh fuck you, you high-class snob”, after which the patron of the games, Jack Ewwwwhatsthatsmell, will give his speech titled “I stink, therefore I am” to the hobo nation.

EVENTS:

100 yard hobble – The contestants are to make it through the lobby of the Central Railway Station from the west door to the east door. Trash cans, empty beer bottles and tourists are scattered around the lobby to provide distraction. The winner is the hobo who makes it to the goal (first). Extra points are awarded for mumbling incoherently throughout the race, bladder control, scrounging a three course lunch from the trash cans and avoiding the security guards. Points will be deducted if the contestant passes out, gets thrown out, can’t find the Central Railway Station or if the contestant runs.

Beerlifting – The contestant who can stuff the largest amount of stolen beer around his clothes and his body without being detected by security guards is the winner. Extra points will be awarded for the creative use of body orifices, returning to the judges with all bottles intact and unopened, picking a fight with random customers and for mumbling incoherently throughout the task. Points will be deducted for shoplifting anything but beer or getting caught by the security guards (but if the hobo can talk himself out of the situation, they will be awarded bonus points).

Hobothon – The hobo must hobble his way through various checkpoints around the centre of Helsinki, for example Kiasma, Church of Agricola, Viiskulma, Kaisaniemi Park and Stockmann. Since not one hobo is expected to make it to all of the targets, the winner is the hobo who makes it farthest before passing out or excreting. Extra points will be awarded to any hobo who makes it farther than 100 yards from the starting point, mumbling incoherently throughout the race and for making rude and random comments to passers-by. Points will be deducted for starting off in the wrong direction, taking a bus or a tram (actually buying a ticket results in immediate disqualification) and for asking directions.

Special awards:

A case of beer is awarded to the hobo who manages to lose most teeth during any event.
Three slips of toilet paper are awarded to the hobo with the worst smell.
Second-hand earplugs are awarded to the hobo who gets caught by the same security guards over three times.
A paper cup is awarded to the hobo with the worst bladder control.
A paper plate is awarded to the hobo with most imaginative targets for urination (live targets earn extra respect).

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Metsätalo Unicafe

Part 1 in a 20-part series

There is a secret hidden in the basement of a building in Kaisaniemi. It is a place where dreams are fulfilled, a place where art meets practicality, where bread meets butter. The building is Metsätalo. The secret is UniCafe.

This restaurant (pronounced yoo-nee-kaif) is a delight to the senses. Just descending the stairs, you can feel the buzz of excitement coming from within- students talking about studying, teachers talking about teaching, workers talking about working. It is a veritable cornucopia of excitement.

First on the list of things to do is to hang your coat. Unlike most places in Helsinki, there is no charge for this task. In fact there is no coatroom at all. The restaurant has gone for the “less is more” approach and provided a pre-post-modern- industrialism style metal coat rack. Just pass the notice board on the right as you walk in, it balances the west wall in a simplistic yet functional manner. Clearly, it is a homage to Alvar Aalto.

But architectural enjoyments aside, this is also a place that serves food; and not just any old food at that. There are delicacies like jauhelihakastiketta, pástaa and juustoraastetta. If the exotic names alone don’t make your mouth water, the sight of them will. Picture long strands of spaghetti-like pasta dabbed with what you can be almost certain was once edible meat, now smothered in the grease from yesterday, all topped off with the freshest cheese to ever come out of a bag. And for the final touch, put it all on a plate. There you have it, good ladies and gentlemen, the crème de la crème, the pick de la litter, the stink de la poop.

But before being able to taste this immaculate concoction, you’ll have to do two things. The first is to prove that you are indeed poor and hungry enough to be willing to eat the steaming mass of sub-divine culinary imagination on your tray. This is done easily with either a student card or a look of extreme deprivation. Then, all you have to do is wait until the employee learns how to use the cash register.

Now you are ready to rest your rear and stun your taste buds. I recommend finding a seat at an empty table because, as you will notice, the café is filled with people staring forlornly at their plates, pushing the food around with their forks with the hope that it will never end written all over their faces. At least, that’s the way this restaurant reviewer chooses to interpret such a sad sight.

In short, the UniCafe at Metsätalo is not the type of place one would go on the first date. The wine selection is appalling and the wait staff non-existent. But the prices are unparalleled. And if you’re able to beat the rush between classes, your stomach may thank you for the attempt at nourishment.

Restaurant: UniCafe Metsätalo

Address: Fabianinkatu 39, 00170 Helsinki

Hours: Monday to Thursday 9.00 -16.00

Friday 9.00- 15.00

Lunch starts at 11.00

Insider’s Tip: To be trés chic, do not choose the white-flavored salad dressing, as orange is the in color of this autumn season.

Up next: Porthania UniCafe

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