Aries March 21 – April 19 Sleep. Sweet, sweet, precious sleep this week.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 No economic stimulus plan is going to curb your rampage this week, much to the chagrin of your devout cat-lady congregation – and their cats.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 This week, saying mean things is mean, know what the stars mean?
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 Let’s get one thing straight this week, the stars don’t speak in meaningless clichés to you for no reason. It’s the rules of the game in fortunetelling.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing, Leo. And any test you pass is a good test.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 This week?
	Libra September 23 – October 23 Your plan to stop discriminating between things in your life will get off to a rip-roaring start this week when you begin with alcohol.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 They say some solutions just give birth to new problems and nothing will exemplify that more this week than when you curb the possibility of having your robots take over the world by giving them a sex drive.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 If you thought your trips to the bathroom last week were something else, this week you’ll be writing home.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Yes, at 11:30 at night on Sunday, even the stars aren’t above poop jokes.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The stars would like to thank you for being so great this week. You don’t know it, nor do the stars, but it’s been said that you could be a lot worse and get away with it.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 When depression strikes this week, don’t turn to religion. Turn to something that makes sense, like the stars.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, february

	Aries March 21 – April 19 Don’t ask the stars to turn up the romance this week, because they’re already on fire and you wouldn’t want to get burned. Sss.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 The stars are going to be brutally honest with you, Taurus. They don’t have your horoscope this week because they didn’t think you were going to make it this far.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 Cutting in line is not excusable, but remember this week that doing so to buy digestive cookies also proves that it’s not an emergency. But it will be soon, huh?
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 The arrival this week of the barrel of whiskey that you ordered ten years ago will be depressing due to the fact that in the past ten years alcohol has ruined your life.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 A rest in not in the cards this week. Instead you will be forced to go on walks. Against your will. Dun dun duuunnn.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 Your uncanny ability to stay out of the way will finally pay off this week when aliens abduct and probe every single person in your town except you.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 How would you take some of the other horoscopes, Libra? Well, it depends on the situation your in right now. Remember, everything looks bad when taken out of context.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Sure, swearing on the Bible isn’t a great way to ensure honesty, but why would the stars get rid of it when it’s just so much fun.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 It was the same thing last year with you, Sagittarius. Riding around on a bike in the dead of winter is only making you look like a jerk.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You know you’ve done something wrong when you are described to the mass public as just “beauty queen”.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 How is it that when the stars cry, they get nothing but when you cry, everyone comes running, including the stars themselves. Well, enjoy it while it lasts, Aquarius.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 If only the shelf life of these horoscopes was longer…

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, february

	Aries March 21 – April 19 The stars have their money on you amazing them once again this week, Aries. You’re a sure bet.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 Oh, Taurus, what would the stars do without you this week?
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 You will be moving into week three this week. Please make all attempts to contact your superiors and let them know when you are in position.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 Yeah, and that’s not all. You’ll never guess what Gemini said to the stars last week. If those bastard twins think they can get away with that this week, they’ve got another thing coming.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 Irony this week is when you know you should say you’re sorry, even though you don’t fully know why, and sorry doesn’t cut it.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 It will dawn on you this week that as much as you hate social norms, “Living After Midnight” just wouldn’t kick as much ass without them.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 Unbeknownst to you until now, in the deepest, darkest corner of you mind lies the answer to life’s ultimate question. And right next to it lies the information that will make you permanently bat-shit crazy. Guess which one you will dip into this week.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 When you finally get to the root of the problem this week, you will be surprised and a little upset that it didn’t take you’re whole life. Now you’ll just have to create more problems to solve.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You will finally give up on the sports world this week when you decide it’s too much that Olympic medalist swimmers are showing baseball players how to have a good time on drugs.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You will experience déjà vu this week when the stars reprint one of your old horoscopes.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 With the anniversary of Darwin’s birthday this week, you will finally realize that what angers you most about evolution is that the human species was selected even though they don’t hibernate.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 You’re always last down there, Pisces. But don’t worry, the stars haven’t forgot you this week – just you’re horoscope.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, february

	Aries March 21 – April 19 See, Aries, what did the stars tell you? Your baby is beautiful.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 Be prepared to talk a lot about poop this week. A whole lot.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 You can forget about using those frog legs this week. But can you please stop crossing them?
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 This week you will see the amazing feat of your baby turning milk into mustard. And it will make you glad.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 Your plan will go awry this week when you tell the family that your cousin’s baby was named after you and they all start calling it Sloppy Lips.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 This week: Eating, sleeping, and crapping – c’est la vie.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 The stars can not say that the world is a great or terrible place, but they can say that it just got a little bit greater thanks to you this week.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Your family wants you to be happy. Your aunt wants you to drive your father crazy. The stars believe that one can ensure cause the other.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Five days old this week and you’ve already been photographed more than your parents combined. That’s the beauty of digital.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 The stars are very tired this week and should not be held accountable to mistake on dumb language I can’t I mean whatchamacallit… (sigh).
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Happy Birthday, Baby Scrap. And welcome to the family.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 To unsubscribe from the stars’ baby update mailing list, please write “Go away” in the comments below.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, february

	Aries March 21 – April 19 It’s not that your boyfriend doesn’t want to hang out with you, it’s just that he can’t believe you want to hang out with him.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 Let’s not jump to conclusions here. Do you really think the stars would lie to you?
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 The stars want you to know that, while those pants don’t make you look fat, they do show your ass rather well.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 With the close of Black History Month, you’re free to change your image to whatever you want. But remember, March is I Can’t Believe What That Loser Is Wearing Now History Month.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 The saying “It’s not who you are, it’s who you know” will hit close to home this week when you suspect yourself of being an idiot because you know a bunch of idiots.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 Spring is on its way for you, Virgo, which means crawling out of that hole you’re living in to try to find a mate.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 This week you will be judged by what you say and not how yu say it; as you should be, you ignorant jerk.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 This week you will learn that the other half of the battle is showing up.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You will be treated to an applause of gratitude from your fellow passengers this week after you slap the person who spit their gum on the floor of the bus. A little civil obedience was indeed in order.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You will go the distance this week only to turn right around when you get there because you forgot to wear your pants.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Take some time to think it over this week and you will come to the conclusion that the time could have been better spent doing something else.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 The stars are really getting sick and tired of having to make up your future for you.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, february

	Aries March 21 – April 19 No, you can’t read your horoscope yet. Well, the stars don’t care if you’re sitting right next to them. Sorry, but you’ll just have to wait your turn like the other millions of people waiting to hear their future.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 What most people will see as tragic this week, you will see as hilarious, which proves just how much you despised that little, old woman.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 The conclusion that you will reach this week is that people sitting in the front of an ambulance don’t get nearly as much attention as people sitting in the back. Let’s hope next week brings you better luck.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 You’ll be forced to wonder what’s the big deal this week, as you were under the impression that laws were made to be broken.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 You will buy a microwave this week and, thus, succumb to the Big Popcorn agenda. It will be delicious.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 You’ll be forced to wonder what’s the big deal this week, as you were under the impression that laws were made to be broken.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 Don’t get too upset this week. The stars want you to know that it all doesn’t matter.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 It should go without saying this week that what you’re thinking is a bad idea.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 The stars were wondering if you would cut them some slack this week. They don’t have your horoscope right now but they’ll get it. By next week. Promise. C’mon, you know they’re good for it.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Coming up with horoscopes is a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it. Nah, that’s a shitty excuse. There are lots of other terrible things the stars could be doing. For example, the things that you’ll be doing for yet another week.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 You will fail you test this week not because you are stupid but because math is.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 Something to remember this week: Nothing gets your point across better than a nice, clean headbutt.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, february

	Aries March 21 – April 19 Boo hoo.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 You will be faced with your most difficult case yet this week when you are assigned to explain why such a small Swedish town has such elaborate detective facilities.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 You will learn first-hand what “turning Japanese” means this week. It will be the greatest dream of your life.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 It has been said that predicting the future could be a side-effect of drug use. Unfortunately, it has not been said where said drugs can be found.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 Absolutely everything in your life will become more interesting this week when you compare it to economics.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 Your computer will crash this week because God hates you.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 You will have an argument with your drunken boyfriend this week. The argument will not be caused by a disagreement nor by your boyfriend’s drunkenness, but by the fact that your boyfriend is a jerk.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Falling asleep in class this week will show you that school hasn’t changed much over the years.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 This week you will be hit by a car and afterwards be proud of all the damage you did to that guy’s BMW.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You will be forced into a position of power this week when a player on the other team gets a two minute minor for hooking.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The stars move in accordance to laws of physics, so don’t blame them for what happens to you this week. Blame physics.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 This week you will be stricken with writer’s block while making up the horoscopes. How lame is that?

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, february

	Aries March 21 – April 19 This week, instead of upsetting you, the fact that your boyfriend is always going somewhere and doing something will make you realize that you are dating one cool mama jama.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 Despite your best attempts this week, people will still not put any value into the things you say and, therefore, continue to be friends with you.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 This week you will prove that whether or not people who ride bikes in Finland in the winter deserve to fall on their faces is a debatable topic, and that whether or not to push them onto said faces is not.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 Traveling abroad can teach you many things. For example, this week you will learn how to make party.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 This week, you will assume, and expect people to believe, that since Mark Twain knew Finnish people and you know Finnish people, then you and Mark Twain are pretty much the same person.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 One thing will lead to another this week and you will once again wind up reading your horoscope without laughing.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 A profound revelation will occur to you this week after you realize that using hair gel to make your hair look like bed-head can be easily replaced by just waking up and not washing your hair.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 You will inadvertently secure you position as a crowd pleaser this week when you provide the joke of a lifetime and purposely name your child after a popular 80’s punk rock band.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Your physical attraction to Vladimir Putin places you in a very small social group and after meeting that group this week, you will realize it is not the place you want to be. But at least you got a better chance at that hunky piece of Russian man meat than any of the others.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 This is a week that will go down in history for you when you meet a paranormal ghost hunters team and are able to publish an investigative novel about the dorkiest people on the planet, the members of a paranormal ghost hunters team.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 This week you will use 1½ ounces of vodka to make a great sex on the beach and 1½ gallons of vodka to make a great sex on the beach story.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 Your horoscope is late this week because the stars are lazy.

Technorati Tags: horoscopes, february