News Headlines From The Faculty Of Arts

Student Severely Beat Up After Being Found Using A Calculator
“The police are investigating the case of S. Tuary, a German philology student who was roughed up bad on Thursday afternoon. Eyewitnesses to the assault claim that Tuary was seen using a calculator only minutes before the mugging. These so-called ‘calculus crimes’ have become an alarming trend in campus violence lately, and even though the habit of using science equipment and solving math problems is frowned upon at the Faculty, any suspects of such behaviour should be interrogated and reprimanded through official Faculty channels instead of an unofficial inquisition of hard science haters.”

Question Asked During History Of American Literature Lecture
“Professor Ben ‘Boring-Auring’ Auring was caught off guard after a student asked him a question during his infamous monologue in the history of American literature class. The very fact that someone was still awake after passing the lecture’s halfway mark was baffling enough, but when that someone decided to ask for clarification on a subject regarding Thoreau’s Walden, the Professor was struck silent with bewilderment. ‘Never in my day has anyone ever interrupted me during a lecture’, commented Prof. Auring after the disgruntling event. The student in question has been given an official warning and an extra dose of sleep medicine. The Faculty is concerned about the possible implications of this matter: ‘Next they’re going to come up to me and say that they want to learn something. I’m a professor of literature, not a miracle worker’, Auring fumed.”

Prospect Of Getting A Job Scares Soon-To-Be Graduates
“MA and BA degrees are more and more potent currency in landing a job with good pay and career prospects, claims the employment office. However, not everyone is happy about this, least of all the students who are getting nearer to finishing their degree. ‘I didn’t come to the Faculty of Arts so that I could get a job, quite the opposite!’ said a flustered French student, who’s graduating with an MA in May 2008. Her opinion was shared by a number of her fellow students. ‘Employment is not a traditional value of a humanities student. Our students graduate to become freeloaders and hermits; the bile our society uses to fertilise its very foundation’, commented the Dean. The Faculty is taking every precaution necessary to ensure the graduates’ transition into unemployment. A crisis hotline has also been established.”

England And France Still At War In The Faculty
“Even though the American and French Revolutionary Wars are two hundred years in the past, the fighting continues in the Faculty of Arts. The feud began when the new interdepartmental corridor was founded last month. The fight is ultimately over who claims control over the new space. However, a research faculty formed by members of both departments has also joined in the fight, claiming that they wish to separate from the larger departments and create a new coalition altogether. A new problem arose today, when the original occupants of the corridor (the Department of Native American Studies) started taking sides. The fighting is brutal and several text book -related injuries have been treated at the nearby health station.”

Dispute Over Big Donation To The Faculty Of Arts
“The late professor Harry Hancock’s trust fund has donated over 50,000 euros to the Faculty of Arts. Being used to poverty and scrounging around for cash, the faculty staff now faces a conundrum: should they use the money to buy new books, rent new space and maybe let the students use blank sheets of paper for a change, or should they just blow it all away in a crazy drinking binge. The students are unanimously in favour of the second motion. ‘We’re fine with second-hand writing paper and outdated study material. I hope the staff has a great time and won’t return for a while’, said the spokesperson of the student union. The debate among the staff is currently on whether to spend the money on hard spirits, hallucinogenic drugs, a trip to Disneyland or a combination of the three.”

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Welcome To The Faculty Of Arts

Tired of looking for higher education that’s been tailored to your specific needs and ensures you a rich and plentiful academic career with excellent job opportunities?

This image has absolutely nothing to do with the Faculty of Arts

Tired of having an encouraging student body coupled with a professional faculty staff help you along your path to your chosen degree?

Tired of waking up every morning with a smile on your face and being actually happy about going to school?

SO ARE WE!

At the Faculty of Arts you’ll find everything you’ve been looking for handed to you on a stained, wouldn’t-pass-as-silver-even-to-a-blind-man platter. Yes, definitely a platter of some kind.

We are the only department of the university that promises to meet your needs halfway and then fails to show up.

We encourage teamwork in all its forms as long as the result is finding the nearest exit.

The students and the staff share a special bond: they are often seen together at the employment office.

We offer you such courses as Theoretical Philosophy, English Philology, Intercultural Communication and many others with fancy names and absolutely no content to boot.

Our early lectures are an excellent way for men, too, to experience morning sickness.

We will teach you how to be bohemian and lofty — in other words just gay enough to leave people guessing.

Especially male students will enjoy our outdated study material over delicious meals cooked and served by the female students.

The Faculty building

You’ll find our beautiful faculty building by taking a left from the main campus road, another left past the homeless shelter, through the narrow aisle between the amateur theatre and the morgue, through the trapdoor in the cellar of the brothel into the sewers, taking the first right, climbing up the ladder into the abandoned warehouse, sneaking past the mafia thugs carrying bags of smack, running through the yard before the rabid guard dogs catch you and by regaining consciousness after the one-armed man with no teeth and a face so hideous it looks like the scrap book of a blind sculptor beats the crap out of you for barging into his house while he’s in the process of dancing naked and singing along to Frank Sinatra’s Love’s Been Good To Me.

To apply:

Come talk to the faculty staff at any time the employment office is open. Remember, we accept only almost everybody (multitaskers and overachievers don’t bother).

Si Hoc Legere Scis, Nimis Eruditionis Habes

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