The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
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Aries March 21 – April 19 You will receive the only piece of satisfaction from your loathsome job ever this week when you reflect on the fact that when you finally had had enough and decided to burn it down, it was rather convenient that you worked at a Shell gas station. |
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Taurus April 20 – May 20 The stars advise you to not read the writing on the wall this week as it will certainly lower your self-esteem. |
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Gemini May 21 – June 21 While you’ve never been described as a pyromaniac of any sort, you will feel a slight twinge of fascination at the speed in which the flames engulf you this week. |
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Cancer June 22 – July 23 Whoever said good things come to those who wait clearly did not have a search party in mind, as you will learn this week. |
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Leo July 24 – August 22 Success will come rather strangely this week when, after years of research, you will prove that Hanoi most certainly does not “rock”. |
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Virgo August 23 – September 22 The stars have been around forever and would like to remind you that, in all that time, hockey hair has never looked good on anyone. Ever. They advise you to get a haircut. |
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Libra September 23 – October 23 Lady luck is in your sign this week. Maybe you should play the lottery. After all, you’ve got nothing to lose – except a dollar, which you will, indeed, lose. |
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Scorpio October 24 – November 21 You will be abducted by aliens this week but be warned – despite all the cool things they show you, openly discussing this will completely ruin your chances for re-election. |
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Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Be wary of your co-workers this week, especially the ones you see fashioning poison darts. |
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Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Your life’s crowning achievement will come this week when you single-handedly, through your own life style, cause the saying “no pain, no gain” to become a model for lazy bastards the world over. |
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Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Remember to stay calm this week. That’s it… calm… breathe. Good, stay with me… |
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Pisces February 19 – March 20 There’s a sparkle in your eye and a smile on your lips this week. Unfortunately for the rest of us, you’re still a creep. |
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Gosh, the stars are feeling moody this week, aren’t they?
Mine couldn’t have been more true.