The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
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Aries March 21 – April 19 Sobriety will elude you this week, yet again. |
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Taurus April 20 – May 20 Just trying to make the hurting stop, you’ll be thrown out of a bar in Vaasa this week for being too drunk when the bouncer momentarily forgets that there’s no such thing as too drunk in Vaasa. |
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Gemini May 21 – June 21 The temptation to start Alcoholics Anonymous classes will be almost unbearable this week. However, the stars would like to remind you that nobody likes a quitter. |
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Cancer June 22 – July 23 You will be reminded this week of why you drink when people fail to do something about how fucking annoying they are. |
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Leo July 24 – August 22 The stars are too shy to say exactly what will happen to you this week but they recommend getting hammered. Really hammered. |
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Virgo August 23 – September 22 Aquarius is in your sign this week and you know what that means- Party on, Aquarius. Party on, Virgo. |
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Libra September 23 – October 23 This week, your appreciation for your best friend’s grandmother’s tolerance for booze will increase proportionally with your attraction to her. |
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Scorpio October 24 – November 21 While the golden rule of drinking (if you don’t remember it, then it didn’t happen) doesn’t necessarily hold true, that won’t stand in your way this week. |
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Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 This week, doctors will scientifically prove what your friends and family have always known- that your brain has two settings: drunk and hung-over. |
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Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You will reach the conclusion this week that bartenders and bouncers know as much about drinking as cows and pigs know about farming. Revealing this pearl of wisdom will, in turn, give them an insight into the depths of your common decency. |
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Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The stars are NOT an angry drunk. You wanna take this outside? |
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Pisces February 19 – March 20 The stars will both respect and envy you this week when, in the middle of a three-day bender, you finally say all the things that the stars only have the guts to write in a little-known online publication. |
Technorati Tags: horoscopes, october
The stars are thirsty this week.
Ah, good to see the stars keeping up their spirit(s).
At least the stars are consistent. Cheers!
I seems that the stars were right. Thanks for filling me in, I was wondering why my head hurts…