The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
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Aries March 21 – April 19 Your mother may have advised you to say nothing at all, if you don’t have anything nice to say, but the stars, however, have no such filter and inform us all that you suck. |
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Taurus April 20 – May 20 Keep the wind in your sails this week and you just might make it out of that approaching nor’easter. |
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Gemini May 21 – June 21 Your belief that you are, in fact, all that and a bag of chips will run into complications this week when people realize that you constitute merely some of ‘that’, and none of it has anything to do with chips. |
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Cancer June 22 – July 23 Now would be a good time to decide which three things you would take to a deserted island. |
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Leo July 24 – August 22 Be on the alert for a certain special someone to send you a certain special message through a certain special medium this week. |
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Virgo August 23 – September 22 The stars would like to remind you to pick up dry cleaning on your way home from work. |
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Libra September 23 – October 23 In a biographical movie about your life, even the soundtrack would be boring. |
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Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Whether or not global warming is real won’t matter to you this week as you freeze to death in the still very much cold Arctic Circle. |
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Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Whether or not global cooling is real won’t matter to you this week as you die from heat exhaustion in the still very much hot Sahara Desert. |
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Capricorn December 22 – January 19 It would be foolish to sell your soul to the devil for a shiny new sports car this week because your girlfriend will be dumping you for a pilot anyways. Instead, you should opt for the lifetime supply of comfortable footwear. |
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Aquarius January 20 – February 18 In the eyes of the press, you will look like a raving lunatic on a killing spree this week, proving once again that the media distorts everything. |
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Pisces February 19 – March 20 Nothing will be sacred anymore as your quest to defile every sacred object in the universe finally reaches completion this week. |
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