The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
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Aries March 21 – April 19 Before you do anything rash this week, the stars would like to remind you that those around you can’t help the fact that they’re idiots. |
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Taurus April 20 – May 20 Police will finally catch you in the act this week, although the way you will be dressed will make them wish they hadn’t. |
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Gemini May 21 – June 21 In a world of strife and oppression, you will stand alone this week, being the sole cause of said strife and oppression. |
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Cancer June 22 – July 23 Your preference for cats over dogs will completely change this week after your cat gains the ability to speak. |
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Leo July 24 – August 22 You will be wrongly convicted of several counts of manslaughter, which, to say the least, will totally blow a hole in your plans for the weekend. |
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Virgo August 23 – September 22 This week will see you achieving your goals as friendly relations between Finland and Australia break down for good after your little stunt at the Aussie Bar. |
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Libra September 23 – October 23 With winter quickly approaching, you will want to start wearing underwear. |
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Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Road trips can be a perfect time for reflection, especially when you’re turning another year older. The stars advise you to hit the road soon before senility sets in. |
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Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 The events of this week in one word: spicy. |
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Capricorn December 22 – January 19 It will all come crashing down this week when your extreme stubbornness in following directions meets the maxim of the shampoo industry: lather, rinse, repeat. |
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Aquarius January 20 – February 18 People have always liked to whisper the word megalomaniac in your presence, but after bumping your head this week your ego will no longer interpret it as a compliment. |
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Pisces February 19 – March 20 There are entirely too many signs of the zodiac. |
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