The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
|Aries March 21 – April 19
Happy Birthday, Aries. Here’s your ho-roscope for your chim-chim: cold feet on a warm back makes for a great night in. Don’t it?
|Taurus April 20 – May 20
Wearing a t-shirt with a picture of your family on it will both cause your family to disown you this week and be the reason the judge allows them to.
|Gemini May 21 – June 21
You will get fired from your job at the TV-station this week after you come up with the plan to show three Richard Gere movies over one weekend, and thus begin an onslaught of complaints aimed at the entire station; when it was your fault and your fault only.
|Cancer June 22 – July 23
You’re the best teacher in the school, and probably in the whole county. And you’ll have your class chanting it this week as they should. But the best part will be that all of them will believe it, either out of faith or out of fear.
|Leo July 24 – August 22
A run-in with the local university this week will remind you that dealing with the local university is a universal pain in the ass.
|Virgo August 23 – September 22
Making your girlfriend angry at you is a good way to get her to allow you to go out for a night of drinking. But it’s just going to make the hangover that much worse. Trust the stars; they used to play that game.
|Libra September 23 – October 23
On the subject of when would be a good time to knock it off, now sounds good.
|Scorpio October 24 – November 21
As you adjust to the summer time this week, remember to get in shape for that speedo you bought last week.
|Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Sadly, things will end this week as the TV becomes something that you and your spouse can bond over, instead of fight over.
|Capricorn December 22 – January 19
You’ll feel the heat this week, from the cop’s knee in your back to the linguists’ assertion that the newspapers’ use of “ring” to refer to the prostitution group you were running is a legitimate use of the word “ring”.
|Aquarius January 20 – February 18
When you’re looking for the right angle to play this week, why not try coming to Finland and getting on government welfare? They might catch on after a while and kick you out, but by the time you make it through all the Nordic countries, you’ll be ready to retire. And they’ve the best jails in the world.
|Pisces February 19 – March 20
This week you will quit being a “legs-man” and enter the last stage of what type of man you are after you learn how good it feels to get your back scratched by a girl with nails. Life will never be the same.