The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
|Aries March 21 – April 19
Now that you’ve made up with your boyfriend, you can go back to telling him what to do with a kiss, instead of telling him what to do with a sneer.
|Taurus April 20 – May 20
Out of respect, the stars put their money on you not being a dickhead this week. But they want to remind you that the odds are not in your favor.
|Gemini May 21 – June 21
Every woman you meet this week will urge you to stop being such a bitch. You’re ruining it for women everywhere.
|Cancer June 22 – July 23
Relief will come to you this week when you blow one of the greatest boogers of your life out of your nose. It will feel awesome.
|Leo July 24 – August 22
Being on a TV show of models does not qualify you as attractive. Nor does it qualify you as likeable. It qualifies you as exploitable.
|Virgo August 23 – September 22
The stars are not ones to promote violence. They are, however, ones to promote sex and alcohol.
|Libra September 23 – October 23
This week you will stop working on your spells and get around to some of life’s necessities like electric lights and Power Point.
|Scorpio October 24 – November 21
A little spaghetti, a few meatballs, and some grated cheese will combine this week to make spaghetti and meatballs.
|Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Gynecologist is a stupid term to be used as a cheap joke in a horoscope.
|Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Think about it, here you are reading the horoscopes again. You’re almost all the way through them and you still haven’t found an answer to your life’s problems. Maybe it’s time to look somewhere else.
|Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Reading subtitles is a great way to learn new language. Just make sure you stop watching such shitty movies.
|Pisces February 19 – March 20
The stars will inform you of your horoscopes just as soon as there’s a commercial break.