The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
|Aries March 21 – April 19
The stars will once again take their child rearing cues from you this week, which just goes to show how good you are it.
|Taurus April 20 – May 20
Your desire to be a minister and your anti-capitalist leanings will collide this week when you realize that by becoming a minister you would be working for the Man.
|Gemini May 21 – June 21
Listen up, Gemini. One more gag-inducing metaphor about bugs and trees and the passage of time and you’re gonna get it, you hear?
|Cancer June 22 – July 23
It’s time to pack your bags this week because you’re moving and you don’t have any friends to help you.
|Leo July 24 – August 22
…And the messed up thing this week and every week is that Hell wouldn’t be enough because the stars wouldn’t be able to watch you burn.
|Virgo August 23 – September 22
It is imperative this week that you remember a little bit goes a long way when adding salt to that recipe.
|Libra September 23 – October 23
Don’t worry if the scientific evidence is stacked against you this week. If you want to believe that you are the direct descendant of Lucy and therefore entitled to all of Ethiopia, that’s your prerogative.
|Scorpio October 24 – November 21
The stars were sad to see you go this week.
|Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
With the events to unfold this week, you will thank your parents, for the first time ever, that you live in the middle of nowhere.
|Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Hey, Shadow, enough with the secrets. The people want to know what evil lurks in the hearts of men.
|Aquarius January 20 – February 18
The stars are jealous of how much you are able to learn by just sitting around and looking around. They tried that in Spanish class and it didn’t work.
|Pisces February 19 – March 20
When picking out clothes this week, remember: Black goes with everything, even skin tones. White on the other hand…