The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
|Aries March 21 – April 19
Thinking other boys are cute is perfectly acceptable, as long as those other boys are the stars, themselves, and them.
|Taurus April 20 – May 20
This week will find you still confused about the way of the world as you will still think that straw hanging out of your mouth looks cool.
|Gemini May 21 – June 21
Due to a mistake at the cable company, you will still receive all the channels this week despite canceling your subscription, which means that you will still receive all those shitty TV programs but now you won’t have to pay for them.
|Cancer June 22 – July 23
This week you should start thinking about whether or not you want to give your recipe for calzone to your son’s best friend, because he’s going to ask for it this summer and he’s going to be very hurt if he doesn’t get it.
|Leo July 24 – August 22
Better grab ye a pint this week, lest others start assuming ye not be Irish.
|Virgo August 23 – September 22
Eating right and exercising got rid of that big body, but nothing’s going to get rid of that big face.
|Libra September 23 – October 23
Only you could be in a movie with a bunch of robots and still look like a bad actor. Well, only you and Will Smith.
|Scorpio October 24 – November 21
This week you will finally come across the great idea of hiring a person to write empty, elegiac monologues for you just like the shallow characters on television say to make them more endearing to audiences. People eat that shit up, right?
|Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
In the future, Chuck Taylors will once again be cool. At least, the stars hope so for your sake.
|Capricorn December 22 – January 19
This week you will wonder why kissing babies gets presidents elected, but kissing babies sends you to jail.
|Aquarius January 20 – February 18
This week you will ask your annoying questions out of actual interest in the subject, instead of just the normal inclination to kiss the teacher’s ass.
|Pisces February 19 – March 20
With St. Patrick’s Day over, the stars say you can finally go back to your drinking year.