The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
|Aries March 21 – April 19
Do not be distressed if the stars only always make bad jokes around your family. They are just playing dumb. It’s called hustlin’, see?
|Taurus April 20 – May 20
According to your ideals, the fact that you do not drive a PT Cruiser means you are not a loser. But according to everyone else’s, the fact that you care means that you are.
|Gemini May 21 – June 21
This week you will be willing to overlook the fact that you once again ended up in the worst Irish bar in town. But that’s only because they serve beer.
|Cancer June 22 – July 23
Your belief that you will never be attracted to one of your students will be thrown out the window this week when Colin Farrell decides to brush up on his English Composition skills.
|Leo July 24 – August 22
The stars don’t know either why everyone cares if you’re sitting on the dark side. Maybe they just don’t know that if you were on the side of good, you’d still be just sitting around.
|Virgo August 23 – September 22
The stars were wide open! Maybe if you’d pass the puck once in a while, we’d score a goal.
|Libra September 23 – October 23
This week, you will demonstrate what it means to “drink your face off”.
|Scorpio October 24 – November 21
Not having any friends will finally pay off this week when you are the only person in Hell’s waiting room to not be forced into meaningless chit-chat.
|Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
No-one knows what the future holds for you, not even the stars. So stop asking.
|Capricorn December 22 – January 19
The more you know, the more you care, which is why this week will find you plugging your ears when anyone talks to you.
|Aquarius January 20 – February 18
The fact that some people think that oral sex is a crime only makes it feel better for you. The stars say that’s cool; whatever floats your boat.
|Pisces February 19 – March 20
Will Leo remain on the dark side? Will Cancer get the chance to evaluate her student? Will Aries’ boyfriend keep making terrible jokes? Tune in next week to find out.