The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
 |
Aries March 21 – April 19 You are the only person in the world whose frown can be a smile. And that is beautiful. |
 |
Taurus April 20 – May 20 This week you will come to the obvious conclusion that changing your name to something like, say, NFL just makes sense because you too are a soulless, greedy, bastard corporation. |
 |
Gemini May 21 – June 21 You will finally realize this week why television stations broadcast such terrible programs. Your girlfriend wants to watch them. Same thing with those movies, dude. |
 |
Cancer June 22 – July 23 They say that laughter can is healthy. So, this week, just try to think of all the good you’re doing for everybody. |
 |
Leo July 24 – August 22 After years of being called Bad Idea Irving, you will throw it all in their face this week when you graduate from college and receive a letter saying that the real world is not ready for you to be released on it. |
 |
Virgo August 23 – September 22 Every single, minute decision you make, no matter how selfish, matters. And every single movement, no matter how mastorbatorial, also matters. Try not thinking about that this week. |
 |
Libra September 23 – October 23 As you leave office this week, do not worry about how the city will view the new mayor; it will definitely be better than they view you, dumbass. |
 |
Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Since you are chronically late, your New Year’s resolution will become valid sometime this week, so get it all out while you still can. |
 |
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 This week you will achieve the guts to call that number, which will bring you the SurpraShears in 4 to 6 weeks, a 60 dollar value, for only $19.95. Word, Sagittarius, word. |
 |
Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Heaven, Hell, reincarnation, and the possibility other universes will give you enough to think about this week, but like always, Ol’ Mr. Time will show up and just piss all over the couch. |
 |
Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Procrastination and motivation will merge this week, when you stay awake until 3 a.m. making up horoscopes that no-one will read. |
 |
Pisces February 19 – March 20 This week you will be reminded of one of Confucius’s earlier maxims: Man who crave Pantera shirt once, crave Pantera shirt always. |
Technorati Tags: horoscopes, january