The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
|Aries March 21 – April 19
Unfortunately for you this week, you’ll be forced to stop being angry at your boyfriend.
|Taurus April 20 – May 20
One word for you this week: shanghaied.
|Gemini May 21 – June 21
This week you will be down by three points with four minutes to go and no timeouts remaining.
|Cancer June 22 – July 23
You will recieve a letter from the stars this week informing you that due to scheduling and budget restraints, your horoscope will no longer be offered. Enclosed will also be a coupon valid for one free palm reading at participating locations.
|Leo July 24 – August 22
After seeing “Ghost Rider” this week, a movie about a superhero who sells his soul to the devil, you will inspired to sell your own soul just to wipe your memory clean of such a bad movie.
|Virgo August 23 – September 22
You will surrounded yet again by idiots this week. The stars suggest you get used to it.
|Libra September 23 – October 23
The highlight of your week will be meeting someone who understands that the smell of nothing is truly the worst smell in the world. It is not an exciting week for you.
|Scorpio October 24 – November 21
E(X+Y) = E(X)+E(Y)
|Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
This week you will be relieved by the fact that you still don’t find economics interesting.
|Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Being nothing but yourself this week, you will base your judgements solely on your emotions, you opinionated bastard.
|Aquarius January 20 – February 18
After writing the horoscopes for this week, you will realize that you are not as creative as you once thought you were. Luckily for you, there’s always the stars.
|Pisces February 19 – March 20
It is possible that not all horoscopes are true. For example, this week yours is total bullshit.