The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
|Aries March 21 – April 19
|Taurus April 20 – May 20
You will be faced with your most difficult case yet this week when you are assigned to explain why such a small Swedish town has such elaborate detective facilities.
|Gemini May 21 – June 21
You will learn first-hand what “turning Japanese” means this week. It will be the greatest dream of your life.
|Cancer June 22 – July 23
It has been said that predicting the future could be a side-effect of drug use. Unfortunately, it has not been said where said drugs can be found.
|Leo July 24 – August 22
Absolutely everything in your life will become more interesting this week when you compare it to economics.
|Virgo August 23 – September 22
Your computer will crash this week because God hates you.
|Libra September 23 – October 23
You will have an argument with your drunken boyfriend this week. The argument will not be caused by a disagreement nor by your boyfriend’s drunkenness, but by the fact that your boyfriend is a jerk.
|Scorpio October 24 – November 21
Falling asleep in class this week will show you that school hasn’t changed much over the years.
|Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
This week you will be hit by a car and afterwards be proud of all the damage you did to that guy’s BMW.
|Capricorn December 22 – January 19
You will be forced into a position of power this week when a player on the other team gets a two minute minor for hooking.
|Aquarius January 20 – February 18
The stars move in accordance to laws of physics, so don’t blame them for what happens to you this week. Blame physics.
|Pisces February 19 – March 20
This week you will be stricken with writer’s block while making up the horoscopes. How lame is that?