The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
|Aries March 21 – April 19
You’ll be leaving us soon. The stars would like to say “See you later, alligator. In a while, crocodile.” And, of course, “That’s the truth, mammoth.”
|Taurus April 20 – May 20
When dental records will be the only way to determine your identity, experts will agree with you that all those ice cream sundaes were, indeed, a good idea.
|Gemini May 21 – June 21
The girl at the checkout is not an idiot for not knowing how to use the cash register. You’re an idiot for choosing that line.
|Cancer June 22 – July 23
You will need to fight for your right to party this week as every single cell but one in your body has had enough.
|Leo July 24 – August 22
While your girlfriend enjoys holding you, the stars have been asked to inform you that she does not enjoy being drooled on.
|Virgo August 23 – September 22
No-one is going to accuse you this week, so why not go ahead and do it?
|Libra September 23 – October 23
When asked this week if you would prefer coffee or tea, you will say neither, proving once again that you don’t understand the question.
|Scorpio October 24 – November 21
The stars would like to inform you that the worst part about this week will not be the beginning. Enjoy.
|Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Sometimes the moments go by like dolphins soaring with the waves. At other times, they are like snowflakes gently falling upon themselves. For you this week, time will move like a dog shitting in slow motion.
|Capricorn December 22 – January 19
This week is the week to go for your goals, reach for the sky, and ask out that co-worker you have a crush on. None of these acts will turn out good, but at least the medication you’re on will finally make them happen.
|Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You’ll be in a tough spot this week. But having to decide which person to throw overboard so that the life raft stays afloat is a decision of which you have only yourself to thank.
|Pisces February 19 – March 20
The Christmas spirit is already in your sign this week. That means joy, love, gratefulness, blah, blah, blah, again you’re again ahead of things when it doesn’t even matter.