The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
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Aries March 21 – April 19 You will laugh at all of your boyfriend’s jokes this week, which is a very, very scary thing. Your boyfriend, however, will love it. |
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Taurus April 20 – May 20 Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons will visit you in a dream this week and reveal the secret of their beards, finally providing you with the vital information to finish your book about facial hair. |
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Gemini May 21 – June 21 This week will find you splitting the pot with Death in a high-end game of poker, causing next Monday, the day Death goes back to work, to be the most nerve-racking Monday of your life. |
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Cancer June 22 – July 23 The stars would like you to know that buying another keyboard for your cat to walk on will not do any good. She walks across your keyboard not for fun, but just to piss you off. |
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Leo July 24 – August 22 Your life’s preoccupation will finally reach a breaking point this week when you spend every second of an entire day thinking about commas, the bane of your existence. |
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Virgo August 23 – September 22 For the only time ever, the stars will move into your sign this week and align themselves in such a way to make you omnipotent for five hours, which will give you the most amazing dream ever, since you’ll be asleep the whole time. |
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Libra September 23 – October 23 This week, a secret message will be revealed to you through a sudoku puzzle, which will stop you from doing sudoku puzzles for the rest of your life after you are permanently locked away in a mental institution when you tell the message to others. |
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Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Your son will return home this week, reminding you once again to change the locks after he leaves. |
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Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You will inadvertently land your dream job this week when you are given P.O. Box 666 as your new address and asked by Satan, himself, to sort all of Hell’s incoming mail.. |
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Capricorn December 22 – January 19 The stars would like to apologize for making your previous horoscopes so boring. They promise to step up the creativity from now on. |
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Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Christmas cards are indeed a dorky thing. And after this week, everyone you know will think you are a dork. |
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Pisces February 19 – March 20 In an ironic turn of events, both you and the police will watch your guilt be proven when C.S.I. Miami airs an episode that obviously stole your criminal methods. |
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