The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
|Aries March 21 – April 19
If the Swedes look so damn perfect, what made you come running back to your boyfriend this weekend?
|Taurus April 20 – May 20
Those heart warming shows on TV are heartwarming, and you don’t think so because your heart is a cold, dead rock, which, ironically, is the only thought that warms your heart.
|Gemini May 21 – June 21
If you didn’t understand that last horoscope, don’t worry. It wasn’t meant for you, you nosey bastard.
|Cancer June 22 – July 23
You’ve been cursing a lot more. You’ve been drinking a lot more. Life has been pretty good recently.
|Leo July 24 – August 22
If you have a mean streak and like making snide comments, writing a horoscope column would be a great thing for you.
|Virgo August 23 – September 22
The stars agree, that song does indeed kick ass.
|Libra September 23 – October 23
Take it from the stars, hotdogs after baseball are better than cigarettes after sex.
|Scorpio October 24 – November 21
The stars don’t like staying up late either, but they don’t really have a choice now do they?
|Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Here’s some good news: Hard work good and hard work fine, but first take care of head.
|Capricorn December 22 – January 19
People don’t think you’re a prick because you are that guy from the car advertisements. They think you’re a prick because you quote that guy.
|Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Guides to computer games can be very informative, but that doesn’t mean you should lead your life based on one.
|Pisces February 19 – March 20
Reading your horoscope every week can help you take control of your life and teach you to better know yourself. That is, if you believe all the bullshit astrologers tell you.