The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
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Aries March 21 – April 19 You and your partner will switch roles this week as you become the infatuated one and he becomes the masked gunman. |
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Taurus April 20 – May 20 This week is all about boredom – boredom on the walls, boredom in the floor, boredom, boredom everywhere. |
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Gemini May 21 – June 21 In your continuing quest for office this week, your record popularity numbers will continue to be unprecedented in the “douchebags who like other douchebags” demographic, an area in which it would impossible for the other candidates to pass you. |
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Cancer June 22 – July 23 Going through the motions this week will cause excruciating pain as the motions include your vagina expanding large enough for your fat-headed husband’s fat-headed baby to fit through. Godammit. |
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Leo July 24 – August 22 Don’t worry. Deep down, the stars love everybody. Even you, Leo, you miserable fuck. |
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Virgo August 23 – September 22 Ninjas, an intense Japanese announcer, and an obstacle course from hell – you are indeed the coolest thing to happen to TV since color. |
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Libra September 23 – October 23 All that drinking will start to pay off this week when you are able to finally understand the very basic phrases in the Bum language. |
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Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Hey, why don’t you get a face piercing? Yeah, what a great idea. Cause, like, the stars think your face doesn’t already have enough ugly holes. And, who knows, looking like a bull could be the next big thing. |
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Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 An apparition will appear to you this week and you will believe it to be a ghost until it slaps you across the face and says it’s your mother and she’s not dead yet, you ungrateful runt. |
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Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Skepticism of those around you is not always unfounded. For example, despite what they say, those around you are plotting to kill you. |
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Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Gold! Gold, this week! Gold will be won by the other team! |
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Pisces February 19 – March 20 The stars predict that the best thing for you to do this week would be to read all the articles on this paper and then tell your friends how awesome it is. |
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