Better Than Sliced Bread » Blog Archive » Horoscopes for January 5, 2009

Horoscopes for January 5, 2009

5 January 2009 216 views No Comment

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 Don’t worry, Aries, it’s the apron and the top hat that make the moomin, not the belly.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 January is named after the god Janus, who had two faces. That’s pretty weird, even for religion, but here’s hoping to you finally getting that second face you’ve been hoping for, Taurus.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 If the shoes don’t fit, it’s not cross-dressing.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 It’s time to decide a name for your child. Cancer is not a good name, you’ll have to think of something else.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 The stars recommend you to sit down and relax and maybe you’ll have that baby after all this week.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 By playing the odds based on a lot of research and some very intellectual decisions, the stars will make a parallel version of you will king in a parallel universe this week. You’re week, however, will proceed uneventfully. This just proves that the stars are brighter on the other side.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 The stars don’t care how hard you’re trying to be an actor – being in a car commercial makes you guilty by association.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 You will be considered the coolest of the cool by the stars this week when you pull the behind-the-back-of-the-head guitar solo. Word.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You’re a fucking bread company, Sagittarius, not Jesus Goddamn Christ. Now knock it off.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Perhaps the reason people are siding with you, Capricorn, is because you’re giving them free food. Have you ever thought about that?
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The stars say, “Go Eagles… We guess.”
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 The stars have just heard of a magazine called Christian Science Monitor and are confused. Is it a Christian monitoring science or a Christian science that is being monitored? You should right this.