Horoscopes for January 26, 2009
Joe McVeigh
26 January 2009
2,096 views
One Comment
The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.
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Aries March 21 – April 19 Please, Aries, no matter what your better judgment tells you, do not poke the stars’ baby. |
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Taurus April 20 – May 20 Just like medicine is simply a small dose of poison, the horoscopes are a small dose of bullshit. |
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Gemini May 21 – June 21 Unlike religion, the stars can not close the doors on you, although sometimes we wish we could. |
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Cancer June 22 – July 23 Before you go railing against gays this week, just think: What if Big Brother was gay? |
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Leo July 24 – August 22 There’s no big difference in how you orient your views this week – you’ll still think you’re better than everyone else. |
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Virgo August 23 – September 22 You play the way you feel, you feel the way you look, and you look the way your mom dresses you this week. |
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Libra September 23 – October 23 You will be perplexed and a little bit upset at the thought of all the rednecks this week when the ghosts of NASCAR drivers start whispering to you to build a racetrack in your backyard. |
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Scorpio October 24 – November 21 The stars heard it through the grapevine that you’ve been taking advice from other stars. You could have told us yourself. |
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Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 The stars done told you once, and they don’t lie, ain’t nothing worse than shit sticks on rye. |
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Capricorn December 22 – January 19 This week you will give a whole new meaning to the term “sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll” – namely, “masturbation, prayer, and silence”. |
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Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The stars remind you, for this week especially, never underestimate the convenience of laziness. |
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Pisces February 19 – March 20 If anyone is up there now smiling down on you, it’s the bird about to shit on your head. |
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Maybe the stars could let their child know that due dates are given for a reason and to be respected. Maybe, just maybe, Aries will stop poking him then.
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