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Horoscopes for January 19, 2009

19 January 2009 241 views No Comment

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 In a sign of things to come, this week your baby will do whatever it damn well pleases.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 This week you will soar among heights like the noble eagle that you are, projecting your majesty for all to behold. Then you will be shot down by some jackass with a gun.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 You will be hard pressed to decide whether the realization of one man’s dream that is Barack Obama taking office is more satisfying than the realization of millions of other people’s dreams that is George Bush leaving office.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 The phrase that will keep you coming back to Spanish class this week: Yo no soy marinero, yo no soy marinero, soy capitan, soy capitan.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 There will be a look of profound exacerbation on the faces of your colleagues this week when despite countless efforts to change your ways, you once again show up to work without wearing pants.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 There will be a look of profound excitement on your face this week when you realize that wearing pants might not be mandatory at your new job.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 The stars invented every word in the English language except lanyard and gazebo. Those were your fault, Libra, and the stars will never forgive you for them.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 You will finally crack the code of the New York Times Crossword this week and discover which laundry detergent is actually detergent and which is actually bleached kitty litter.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Congratulations on your television appearance this week, Sagittarius. By simply leaving the top two buttons on your shirt open, you managed to show the viewers that you are a douche bag.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 The Mayan astronomers were diligently working on their calendar and had made it all the way up to the year 2012 when they decided to take a break. Coincidence?
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 You will uncover a great secret this week when you learn of a conspiracy amongst the clock makers of the world in which they personally cause the minute hands to move slower during the morning hours of weekdays and slower during the evening hours of weekends.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 The stars are now looking for astrologers. Please send your resume to peoplewillbelieveanything@thestarsarefullofcrap.zo