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Horoscopes for February 16, 2009

15 February 2009 349 views No Comment

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 Don’t ask the stars to turn up the romance this week, because they’re already on fire and you wouldn’t want to get burned. Sss.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 The stars are going to be brutally honest with you, Taurus. They don’t have your horoscope this week because they didn’t think you were going to make it this far.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 Cutting in line is not excusable, but remember this week that doing so to buy digestive cookies also proves that it’s not an emergency. But it will be soon, huh?
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 The arrival this week of the barrel of whiskey that you ordered ten years ago will be depressing due to the fact that in the past ten years alcohol has ruined your life.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 A rest in not in the cards this week. Instead you will be forced to go on walks. Against your will. Dun dun duuunnn.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 Your uncanny ability to stay out of the way will finally pay off this week when aliens abduct and probe every single person in your town except you.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 How would you take some of the other horoscopes, Libra? Well, it depends on the situation your in right now. Remember, everything looks bad when taken out of context.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Sure, swearing on the Bible isn’t a great way to ensure honesty, but why would the stars get rid of it when it’s just so much fun.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 It was the same thing last year with you, Sagittarius. Riding around on a bike in the dead of winter is only making you look like a jerk.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You know you’ve done something wrong when you are described to the mass public as just “beauty queen”.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 How is it that when the stars cry, they get nothing but when you cry, everyone comes running, including the stars themselves. Well, enjoy it while it lasts, Aquarius.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 If only the shelf life of these horoscopes was longer…