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Horoscopes for December 22, 2008

23 December 2008 110 views No Comment

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 The holidays come only once a year, Aries. If there was ever a time to butter up your cranky ol’ boyfriend, it’s now.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 Remember, no-one wants to hear your theories about how Jesus was born in the summer instead of December. As far as they’re concerned, no-one needs a pick-me-up in the summer like they do in this depressing month.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 This week you will make sure that nobody in your family will ever again suggest watching “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Ever.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 You will amaze the hell out of yourself this week with how few of your fellow shoppers you actually kill.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 You will find it hard to get through the holiday season this week without Vinnie Box of Donuts and the Feast of the Seven Fishes.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 When you tell your father and mother that you’re gay this week, be sure to lead in with the interesting fact that Jesus never married.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 Compared with last week, this week you’ll be unable to decide whether you hate Christmas songs more than the radio deejays.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 If you hear that Wham! song one more time this week, this will surely be the last Christmas for everyone in the waiting room.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 In a show of trust in society this week, the government has declared that the Declaration of the Christmas Peace this year will void instead of double the sentence of any criminal caught over the holidays. Act accordingly.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Just so you know, Capricorn, the stars are all for contraception. And if God would have listened, we wouldn’t have this greedy, soul-crushing holiday on our hands every year.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 What to buy for the person who has everything? The stars suggest nothing.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 The stars wish you a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, a Happy Kwanzaa, a really great midwinter, and damn fine whatever else it is you celebrate at this time of year. Be safe and the stars will see you all next week, maybe even on time.