The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

Aries March 21 – April 19
Your impeccable fashion sense would be tarnished by your Snuggie if it wasn’t leopard print. Holla.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
The best thing about this holiday season, according to the Stars: reindeer jerky.

Gemini May 21 – June 21
Leaving milk and cookies out for Santa is the least you could do this holiday season, if by milk you mean whiskey and by cookies you mean Marlboro reds.

Cancer June 22 – July 23
If shoveling snow really builds character, after this holiday season you’ll make James Joyce look like Dan Brown.

Leo July 24 – August 22
Same old, same old in your first holiday season as mayor, Leo: more kissing babies and smiling for the camera.

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Virgo August 23 – September 22
The Stars’ deceased grandfather felt very passionately about the Christmas subject this holiday season.

Libra September 23 – October 23
This holiday season, you will learn that Santa Claus is a lot like Mother Theresa – short, somewhat old, and stinky.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21
It’s your first holiday season and already your relatives are beating you up. The Stars feel you, Scorpio.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Either you are getting older, or this holiday season really is the most boring of them all.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
This holiday season is about giving. Remember that when you are asked if you give a shit.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Appreciate what you got this holiday season and you’ll be all right, Aquarius.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
The Stars wish all of you a safe and happy holiday season.

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