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Horoscopes for January 12, 2009

12 January 2009 173 views No Comment

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 Your husband will cause you the greatest pain of your life this week when you give birth to his child. Then he will thank you.
	Taurus April 20 – May 20 You will be remembered for your nose hair this week, Taurus. Just like you always wanted.
	Gemini May 21 – June 21 You will notice the difference between your real life and the part you play on TV when your TV friends show up to your TV going away party, but split as soon as the cameras are off.
	Cancer June 22 – July 23 When changing a tire this week, first put the car in park on firm and flat ground. Then apply the hand break. Next, loosen to lug nuts on the tire. Stayed tuned next week for how to proceed.
	Leo July 24 – August 22 Want someone in your life who thinks your wonderful, Leo? Have a kid. Then try not to fuck it up.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 The stars are utterly amazed, Virgo. Only you could turn a great story boring by making an evil, undead, eternally young vampire abstinent. Congratulations.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 Forget about being taken seriously this week. You are studying psychology. Everyone hates you, including yourself.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 If you learned anything from last week, it should have been how to forgive and forget because you’re really going to need that this week.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 The average person turns down one percent of the wedding invitations they receive in a lifetime. You wedding this week will cause that number to skyrocket.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Again, the stars ain’t talkin’ ‘bout love this week. Just like they told you before.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 To be honest with you, kid, your horoscope has always been the first complete sentence that pops into the stars’ head.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 Go Eagles. For real this time.