To get you through the coming spring, Better Than Sliced Bread presents yet another sampling of comics by our very own Kaisa Leino!

Whatever your personal opinion about this season is, the fact is that, unless you’re some kind of a hermit with an aversion to shopping malls and public spaces, around this time of year there is no escaping those mirthful songs filled with the season’s cheer. Yes, I am talking about Christmas carols.

However, as cheerful and sweet as Christmas carols often are on the surface, there are some of them that leave key questions unanswered and thus, unfortunately, carry some unfortunate implications. Here I inten to present the hall of shame of Christmas carols whose intended messages may be overshadowed when one looks below the surface.

Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer
Intended Message: Everyone is different and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Unfortunate Implication: People who are different can only gain acceptance if their differences make themselves useful to society at large.
It’s a classic ugly duckling story, only in this case the duckling is a reindeer and instead of growing up to be a beautiful swan and thus demonstrating that they always had the potential for beauty in them all along, the main character has a freakish glowing red nose that allows him to become the world’s most beloved reindeer, overshadowing the previously more well-known Dancer and Vixen and Blitzen and Prancer.

While the story is pretty much one of Rudolf becoming loved by all the other reindeer in spite of his physical deformity, it is only because his aberration was one that could be turned into profit by Santa Claus. Had Rudolf been born with something less useful like three antlers he would’ve remained forever unloved, never being able to make a name for himself outside of a circus sideshow.

So, yeah, it’s less of an ugly duckling story and more like every Marvel superhero story ever, with the deformed freak only becoming popular because their freakish nature can be turned towards the common good by society at large.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Intended Message: Christmas is a time for being a good kid, so be good for goodness’ sake.
Unfortunate Implication: An old hermit has access to an intelligence network through which he is constantly spying on all the children of the world.

If there is one character who best represents Christmas, it’s definitely good old Saint Nick, a.k.a. Santa Claus, Father Christmas or Kris Kringle. Santa is a jolly old man with a ruddy complexion and a lot of cheer in his somewhat obese body who loves all the children of the world. To the extent that he keeps constant tabs on them all the time.

There is very little in this song to suggest Santa Claus’s famously jolly nature. Instead the song seems to be a cautionary tale to young children to instruct them to be constantly on their toes, because a wrathful elemental spirit of Christmas is watching their each and every move, always judging and always knowing when you sleep.

Come to think of it, the character of Santa Claus, by his supposed powers, seems less like a jolly old gift-giver and more like an eldritch monstrosity from beyond time and space who somehow possesses selective omniscience when it comes to children’s behaviour. And that’s horrible.

Carol of the Bells
Intended Message: Christmas is here, let’s be happy!
Unfortunate Implication: The bells, oh, the bells! They never stop!

Speaking of eldritch horrors drawn from the minds of madmen, the yuletide classic Carol of the Bells (also known as the Ukrainian carol) is not creepy by virtue of its lyrical content, but simply due to the dissonance between the lyrics and the melody.

While most definitely uplifting, the song’s melody is somehow… wrong. It’s not your traditional holiday fare with sleighbells and boughs of holly. It’s akin to a chant sung by a doomsday cult trying to bring upon the apocalypse with a dread incantation.

Ding dong, ding dong, that is their song. The bells will never stop. They will always be there. Ding dong, ding dong.

Hei Tonttu-Ukot
Intended Message: A bunch of little elf dudes are having a laugh and jumping around.
Unfortunate Implication: Life sucks and then you die.
A list of creepy Christmas carols wouldn’t be complete without this Finnish classic, a song that based on all evidence seems to suffer from bipolar disorder. What starts as a cheerful song goes on to basically state, at the end of each verse, that life is short and what little there is sucks mostly.

Admittedly, at least the song is honest about it and doesn’t try to hide its message, but it’s still confusing to hear a song go from “YAY!” to “I wish I was dead” without so much as a warning in the lyrics.

However, as creepy Christmas songs go, this list really underscores the fact that even a message like “Life is short and it sucks” is positively jolly given its company.

Jollei Jouluna tule lunta
Intended Message: Not even a lack of snow can stop Santa from coming.
Unfortunate Implication: Technology is advancing constantly, making an increasing number of jobs obsolete.
Another Finnish Christmas song, Jollei Jouluna tule lunta presents the hypothetical situation of there being no snow on Christmas. The song’s protagonist (antagonist? anti-Christ?) Ville, the little boy next door, comes up with the perfect solution: in the event of there being no snow on Christmas, instead of having to rely on his magical reindeer, Santa could use a helicopter.

What seems like a sweet little song on the surface is instead a portent of a future where reindeer have become obsolete since changes in the climate have conspired to make it not snow on Christmas. This song is every capitalist’s wet dream: the costly, magical reindeer transportation is replaced with a more modern and cost-efficient form of transportation, one that doesn’t require feeding all year round.

The very same capitalists are at the moment in the middle of talks with Santa about implementing a reindeer-based fuel in order to make the best use of Santa’s now obsolete reindeer, except for Rudolf, who is sold to an American government program researching the possibilities of weaponizing mutant animals for use in the War on Terror.

The author, Patrik Renholm, isn’t exactly anti-Christmas, but he does have some Scrooge-like qualities.

In honor of the soon to be over academic year, Better Than Sliced Bread presents yet another sampling of comics by our very own Kaisa Leino!

Better Than Sliced Bread is again proud to feature a sampling of new comics from our very own Kaisa Leino’s comic I say HUMANIST,you say potato! To read them all follow the link after this message.

Warning: Taking any of these tips to heart when one is less than a true gentleman can lead to any of the following: feelings of loneliness, moderate-to-high douchebaggery, loss of social contacts, abandonment, severe beatings and tongue-lashings.

Table-parties are as much a staple of student life as books, desks, Power Point presentations, graduation-related anxiety disorders and the consumption of alcohol in copious quantities. At some point or another most university students will find themselves in a situation where they either must or wish to attend a table party. To this end it is of utmost importance that a veteran table-party attendee enlighten the younger students of proper behaviour at a table-party.

Note: While the title of this article is directed towards gentlemen, in our day and age it is of importance to note that a large quantity of these tips apply both to gentlemen and their ladylike comrades.

Tip #1: The Importance of Arriving at the Right Time

Most table-parties start with the serving of cocktails usually anywhere between a hour to a half an hour before the actual table portion of the party. The cocktail part of a table-party is not only usually the time for guests from other organizations to present their greetings to the hosting organization, but also to mingle and socialize with friends and acquintances in a casual manner.

However, as any gentleman worth his salt should know, arriving early to any such occasion is considered gauche. The true gentleman should make his entrance no earlier than fifteen minutes into the cocktail event, preferably in the middle of an important speech. If at all humanely possible, the best time to arrive and thus make the most attention-drawing entrance is right after everyone has already been seated at the table and the first song has begun. Which brings us to our next point…

Tip #2: Leaving and Entering the Table

Many organizations advice that the table should not be left during courses unless there is a pressing need and one shouldn’t return to the table during a song. As gentlemen of great importance we must put in perspective what sort of things merit departing the table during a course:

• Answering or making an important phone call. (For the sake of a true gentleman, any phonecall is to be considered of importance.)
• Combing one’s hair. (As no true gentleman wishes to present himself in no less than the perfect form.)
• Smoking a cigarette. (Nothing is more common than using the breaks between courses for their actual purpose. Besides, there may be ungentlemanly people in the cigarette booth during breaks.)

The rule about not returning to the table during songs should be considered merely a guideline, as any distraction caused by a well-timed entrance by a gentleman during a song should be considered a blessing to those below the gentleman’s station.

Tip #3: Song Etiquette

Singing is an important part of table-parties and here there are many things to be taken into consideration. As no organization has yet to compile a perfect list of table-party songs, the true gentleman should assume onto himself the duty of introducing the other guests to songs outside of the song-list. As a preference for the obscure is a must for the true gentleman, it is of utmost importance that nobody else know the song the true gentleman should introduce. Remember, the more verses there are in a song that only you can sing, the better!

The true gentleman, when noticing a mistake in the lyrics printed on the song sheet (mistake in this case being any variation on the lyrics known by the gentleman in question) should voice his alternate lyrics as loudly as possible in an effort to drown out the other people’s false words. The only way the people printing these false lyrics will learn of their mistakes is by example!

Tip #4: After-Party Etiquette

Most table-parties these days are followed by a less formal after-party. However, a true gentleman doesn’t let their hair down until the very end of the party and that means that proper protocol must be all the way until the end of the after-party. Here are some helpful pointers for getting through after-parties without damaging your reputation:

• DJs are to be treated with the respect deserving of a glorified jukebox. As they can’t be trusted to know what sort of music people want to dance to they must be pestered at any appropriate moment. Any requests shot down by the DJ are to be complained about until the DJ caves in.
• Remember that sharing is caring: any drinks left unattended for more than five seconds become common property by the rules established in your inebriated mind just now. Enjoy!
• The drinks are always too expensive. Complain about this loudly, especially if you only came for the after-party and there was no cover charge. There’s absolutely no excuse for the drinks being expensive at a party that is otherwise free of charge!

We hope that you keep all these things in mind when you next attend a table-party. Remember, as a gentleman it is your duty to act as a beacon of etiquette and good manners to all of those below your station!

Editor’s Note: The most important tip to be gathered from this article: don’t be this guy.

Patrik Renholm, editor and table-party survivor.

Congratulations to Helsinki for being chosen as the World Design Capital of 2012! However, 2012 is near and Helsinki doesn’t seem to realize this fact as it keeps building more and more tacky buildings like the new Helsinki Music Center. The only improvement on our city has been the recent covering of the tower of the Olympic Stadium (that thing was hideous). People are being tacky also in the design of their display windows.

One is forced to ask: Where is the design? Where is the innovation?

The Mecca of all designer pilgrims

We went out to the streets of our dear city to find the design, and praise the lord, we found it.

Everyone who has any experience in the world of graphic design must have noticed how the display windows and roadside ads have become unimaginative and boring. Nobody is brave enough to take chances anymore and, as we all know, you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs! A store front should not intimidate a customer but it should encourage him or her to step further to the wonderful world of wonderful products. There is a simple answer to this problem. It is an answer that far too few have found.

That answer is
Comic Sans MS

A more traditional black and white approach to beauty

Comic Sans is the most fashionable font in today’s demanding world of design, and it is sadly seen too seldom. The best explanation to its rarity is that most graphic designers do not want to reveal their trade secrets to others. This is understandable, because whenever Comic Sans appears, it results in immediate success; who would want to give up a gold mine?

Comic Sans is an expensive font to obtain and to print. The elaborate curves and details of the letters are difficult to print and expertise is needed. Not everyone has the capital necessary for Comic Sans. However, some independent entrepreneurs have discovered the gift of Comic Sans and have spent a fair amount of money to take their business to a whole new level.

For a long time Comic Sans has been a privilege of teachers all over Finland. Teachers traditionally have unlimited resources for printing material for students and can therefore use the most sophisticated font of them all. Comic Sans has a positive effect on the work amount of students as well as the quality of these works.

Comic Sans appeals to people of all ages and regions and this is why Helsinki should use exclusively Comic Sans in all domains of the festival year 2012. If we celebrate design, why don’t we do it in style?

Engraving a silver plate like this costs a fortune

Some accounts of Comic Sans:

• the first recorded appearance of the Font was on Homer’s Odyssey from approximately 800b.c.
• the US constitution is written in a style mimicking Comic Sans
• some scientists have argued that the strange markings on Ötzi the Iceman’s remains resemble Comic Sans
• Johannes Guttenberg invented the printing press after observing a nun having difficulties making a hand copy of the bible in Comic Sans
• C.G.E Mannerheim named his horse after Comic Sans

Could you resist the temptation of this restaurant?

Further information:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comic_sans
http://www.adressit.com/comic-sans

This month Kaisa Leino again brings us more looks into the life of arts and humanities majors with her lovely webcomic. Click on the cool picture to get to the blog and read them all again while you’re at it.

The festive juletide!

No wait. Let me rephrase that.

So, Christmas. Again. Sitting in a train through the barren, frozen wilderness that is Finland (for thirteen hours, I might add), you usually get good insight on how you’d like to spend your eternally long Christmas holiday from the toils of work and university. Let’s take a look at six BTSB tips for a perfect, worry-free holiday season:

1. Embark on a quest to find the Amulet of Yendor from the Dungeons of Doom
Go to http://nethack.org and spend hours after hours learning an obscure game originating from the dark eighties and presented completely in ASCII format. No other game let’s you get raped by a huge variety of nymphs (and succubi and incubi!), die from falling off a saddle (or elementary chemistry after dipping a Potion of Acid into a fountain), rob gold vaults by telling the guard that you’re Croesus, play a pacifist, atheist, vegan monk and wield the mighty Excalibur to eradicate lichen, Quantum Mechanics and Keystone Kops! Just remember never to strike a Floating Eye and beware of pesky ‘R’ symbols.

2. Challenge Jones
After claiming the Amulet of Yendor (hah, like you could make it back alive!) take your browser to warp speed and head to http://home.broadpark.no/~kboye/jones/jones.html, where the Sierra classic “Jones in the Fast Lane” is brought to life in all its glory. Sheesh, take three friends with you and see who can beat the game of life by working at the Hi-Tech University or at the counter of Monolith Burger – I promise, much more fun than in real life.

3. Read a classic
My book recommendation for the long, dark holiday of the soul is Melmoth the Wanderer, C. R. Maturin’s 1820 magnum opus, often considered the last work of high Gothic fiction. Multiple layered, complex in narrative, including diabolical romance and several guys named Melmoth, this is the brick that’ll last a life-ti– through your vacation! Haven’t had the guts to start it yet myself though…

For those who thirst for something lighter, check out the adventures of Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser by Fritz Leiber. For something even more classic, how about the Assyrian epic Gilgamesh? I’ve enjoyed both!

4. Sign an address
While digesting ham and gingerbread cookies, check out https://elomake.helsinki.fi/lomakkeet/24514/lomake.html and sign the address to secure the future of humanities in the University of Helsinki. It might be your only shot to keep BTSB coming (just kidding, but still, important stuff)!

5. Give an Opinion
Agree or not, they’re yours to take and 100% BTSB guaranteed to arouse lively discussion at Christmas dinner:
-there’s no good reason not to cut down the consumption of goods and resources
-Judas Priest is the best band in existence (even if they’re on their farewell tour soon)
-everyone can afford to help those who really need help, e.g., children in third world countries, political prisoners, endangered animals
-lattes are great
-there is no good excuse to be in any kind of positive contact with a totalitarian state like Belarus (shame on the Finnish hockey-players playing for Dynamo Minsk)

6. Just Chillax!
Decapitate a bottle of beverage, sit back and, with the help of the nifty portmanteau word, enjoy the ticking of the clock, the falling snow and maybe eye the best episode of your favorite TV show. This year, I recommend the Big Bang Theory and Gilmore Girls. Life would be better with a little more chillaxing, don’t you agree?

Thank you for your attention and merry Christmas, dear readers. I hope that next year will rock your woolly gift-socks off.

Esko Suoranta, in a train, somewhere on the dark stretch between Helsinki and Kemijärvi

Starting this month as a feature on BTSB, “I say HUMANIST,you say potato!” is a webcomic spawned in the depths of the mind of our very own Kaisa Leino. The comic follows the lives of its main characters within the world of arts and humanities and as the comic goes on we will learn more of the characters presented and their relations to each other. The author, Kaisa Leino, loves dinosaurs and drawing comics (when she has the time to).

The comic is available for reading on http://btsb.sarjakuvablogit.com/ and as a part of a greater scheme for more page hits we will be featuring the comic on a strictly random schedule. Enjoy!