Pessimism as a Way of Life

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The theme of this month is hobbies and interests. Just a few hours until the deadline and all I can think of is the fact that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I was supposed to be on holiday and here I am, trying to figure out something to write about at midnight.

The fact is, I barely have any hobbies and I certainly won’t be writing an essay about doing bicep curls in the gym. Even though that would obviously be as awesome as a wet sock filled with porridge, it would hardly stretch any further than two sentences. However, one could argue that my cheerful, joyful, positive attitude in life is in a way a hobby, or at least an interest. Everybody is probably familiar with the old optimistic saying about every cloud having a silver lining and so on, but I’m a proud member of the opposite school of thought. The way I see it, every cloud, silverlining or not, is prohibiting me from getting a tan and may even bring rain, thunder and misery in general. With every step I take there’s a possibility that I get hit by a car or walk on a pile of crap.

Pessimism is an interesting way of life, often sadly misunderstood and thus mistakenly treated like a tumor that needs to be removed as fast as possible. The thing is, if you always anticipate everything going down the drain, when bad things finally do happen you are prepared and won’t be as disappointed as the average, optimistic Joe living in his bubblegum castle. The other side of the coin is that when life actually goes as planned and everything seems to work out, the surprise will be even sweeter because you never thought such marvellous a thing could happen to you.

Pessimism is something I would definitely call bi-winning.

Better Than Sliced Bread Presents: iNMatES 2011 Survival Guide

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The National Meeting of English Students, this year going by the acronialism (portmanteau of acronym and initialism by yours truly) iNMatES in a shameless effort to come up with something even more outlandish than last year’s gNoMES, is an annual event arranged by the different student organizations of English philology around Finland. Taking place in Turku this year, NMES is a chance for English majors from around Finland to catch up with each other, mingle, socialize and do what English majors do best: make obscure pop-culture references.

Did you really think I was going to write "drink?"

We here at BTSB, in an effort to make your NMES much more enjoyable have collected a short list of tips FIY so that your experience in Turku this year won’t go FUBAR (now that’s how you use initialisms and acronyms!). The tips are, as always, to be used at your own discretion, but they may go a long way towards making your experience a more enjoyable one. Also of note is the fact that this list will mostly be of use to those going to NMES for the first time in their lives.

  1. At last  year’s NMES something terrible was unleashed upon the English students from Helsinki, namely a song so terrible that to describe it would be akin to invoking the names of a host of ancient and furious deities hellbent on destroying the world. The song goes by the name “Trololololololololololo.” Just Google it to prepare yourself for the horror that the gang who attended NMES last year will incur upon you.
  2. NMES is a happy occasion but sadly all good things come to an end. When NMES finally ends on Sunday you may suddenly realize that three days of reciting pop culture references may have taken its toll on your body, mind and soul. To get a proper idea of this feeling of ennui, see the following sketch from cult classic Finnish comedy Studio Julmahuvi.
  3. One of the important things about NMES is that all the cities involved will prepare a performance for the other cities’ enjoyment. In order to prepare yourself for the sort of awesomeness that might be in store for this year, see last year’s winning performance. Note: you will need to be Facebook friends with last year’s tutor liaison Mart Suikanen to access the video.
  4. Did I mention pop culture references?

    “A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.”
    — Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
    So, don’t forget to bring a towel.

  5. Related to the aforementioned point about the ennui caused by Sunday, do remember to wake up early enough on Sunday in order to pack your things. Word has it that some of the things left at NMES last year still haunt the halls of Jyväskylä, forgotten and lonely.
  6. This year’s iNMatES has something on the menu that is quite alien to the members of SUB: a sillis. A sillis is effectively a breakfast consisting of something salty (mostly fish) following a night of partying as a means towards gathering energy for another day of academic fun times.
  7. Plan ahead! The aforementioned show was not conceived on the bus ride to NMES, it was a labour of love and many sleepless nights. Start planning the show for NMES well in advance in order to grab the prize from under those non-Helsinkians’ noses again! Note: You should’ve done this already.
  8. I already mentioned the sillis practice which is already alien to members of SUB, but there may also be other practices that may seem strange to your Helsinki sensibilities. So, prepare yourself for a culture shock but more importantly try to avoid cultural chauvinism. If the phrase most heard from you is “They do it differently in Helsinki” you won’t make any friends.
  9. Remember that this year there are well over a hundred students attending the annual NMES table party. Keep this in mind at all times. A table party is hard enough to control as it is, but one with well over a hundred attendants may easily slip into chaos if you do not mind the rules and behave yourself. At every table party there is always that guy who disturbs the peace and detracts from the fun of everyone else. Don’t be that guy.
  10. Most importantly, remember to have a good time!

The author, Patrik Renholm, is very sorry not to be able to attend iNMatES, but it may all be for the best since he might’ve been that guy last year.

The Dance Floor

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What’s a party without a dance floor and what’s a dance floor without dancers?  Sad is what it is.  Considering dancing has been a part of the rituals of many cultures for thousands of years, you should never underestimate its importance to creating atmosphere.  And let’s face it, good music with just the right kind of beat makes your feet restless.  Naturally, music that isn’t to your liking will make you want to dance as much as you want to set your hair on fire.  Then again, you can always pull a few ironic dance moves to show how unimpressed you are with the music.  Luckily, SUB has the best DJs.

I have no specific dance dos and don’ts to share as this article isn’t about etiquette or ballroom dancing.  Any recommendations I may have about the dance floor can be summarized like this: don’t give a crap what you look like.  Yours truly would never claim to be a good dancer.  My formal training is limited to some ballet as a child but that has never stopped me from shaking what my mama gave me.  If you are on the shy side, a little Dutch courage is no crime.  No one should worry about not having the right kind of moves.  Letting loose is not about competition.

Like many other things, dancing is the most fun when you’re sharing it with another person or a group of others.  You can even start synching your movements with others which naturally means everyone else will have to give you more room, but it’s also a lovely way of bonding.  The party scene of SUB is lively and vibrant and the same can be said of its most enthusiastic dancers.  It’s only fitting our President is the grooviest dancer I’ve seen.

There are plenty of examples where dancing has been used to tell a story, especially a coming-of-age kind of story.  The uptight small town in Footloose is boring and lame because dancing is banned, but then Ren comes from Chicago and changes everything.  In Flashdance, Alex chases her dream of becoming a professional dancer.  Baby finds love in Dirty Dancing.  The list goes on and on.

Personally, I believe that at its core, dancing is one of the simplest ways of expressing joy (or any other feeling for that matter).  But especially at parties, it’s about having a good time and making sure your entire body will hurt the next day.  There’s room on the floor for everybody.

Suiting-up for Dummies Like Me

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Being an outgoing man of the partying kind has never been easier. In the postmodern 21st century world you don’t usually need to worry over the differences between various shirt collars, tuxedos and tailcoats – it is enough to throw on your trusty black (or gray, or dark blue, or “it used to be black”) suit that you got for your confirmation or when you graduated high school and just let your inner beauty shine through. And hey, it’s totally cool to laugh at the ladies fretting over their hairdos, shoes, dresses and whatnot! Isn’t it? Isn’t it!?

Approaching the subject from – shall we say – a more appreciative point of view, even us men can do add little touches of glamour and suave to our evening gear, which will come in handy especially if you happen to end up in a slightly more formal event with –gasp!– people you don’t know that well. Let’s start with the utmost basics for a successful, classy evening occasion, with us here at BTSB substituting for your mama:

#1. Take a shower and wash your hair. No matter what you wear, how much bling you don, how sweet shoes you put on, if you’re not clean and smell fresh it all goes to waste. Usually, this is not a problem with most guys and geezers, but sometimes feedback speaks otherwise.

#2. Shave. No-one’s saying that we all need to wear our faces naked, but make sure that your bear-do is trimmed from the edges and matches the event you’re going to. And if nothing else, make sure that your bushy full beard is so breath-taking that its mere appearance silences all objections. Give off the impression that you’ve planned your facial growths all along, just for the night.

#3. Make sure your clothes are clean and don’t need mending. The problem with inexpensive suits is that their fabric is weak and subject to wear and tear in rather little time. If you’re not in the habit of destroying suits during your sitsi ventures, think of investing to a suit that will last for years – a classic black suit can last you a lifetime if it faces no catastrophes. Also remember that dry cleaners and tailors are your best friends in saving your favorite pieces of party-wear – and the price isn’t too bad for the years it’ll get you.

But what to do if you’re on a low budget and your trusty jacket takes its last breath or your trousers just will not contain your expanding manliness? The best speed/price ratio is achieved by attending your local UFF store and heading for their men’s section. There are many jackets and trousers to choose from, but the most important thing to ensure is that the piece of clothing in question fits – baggy suits just ain’t sexy, bros. For most smart casual and similar dress codes, a fitting jacket is all you’ll ever need to add to a nice pair of jeans – and they can be found for bargain prices.

A suit can indeed make a man. But without a man, a suit is just empty.

Even if you own just The One Suit, but want to have some room for additional classiness in your wardrobe, there are a couple things you can do to spice it up. A selection of dress shirts of different colors is not that difficult to obtain for reasonable prices and matching ties can usually be found too. Just remember to check that you really have ties that match your shirts – if you’re worried about color and style blindess, ask a (girl)friend or the salesperson and don’t underestimate the power of your mama.

Further, scarves and bowties get you a bit more glamour for themed parties, but normally you probably don’t need to bother with them. Skinny ties might appear casual, but only if you’re still living the 80s. Then the final, most important thing about ties that always, ALWAYS, remains true. “Funny” ties are not funny.

Finally, shoes can make an ordinary suit rise to its proverbial wings and guarantee attention. With guest comments by editor Patrik Renholm, we end with a listing on the secret language of shoes that will help you pick the pair that gets people to say “John, I’m not just dancing…”

Oxblood Oxfords
The Message You Are Trying To Send: The person wearing these shoes takes risks, but does so in a stylish manner. Also, he wants you to comment on the awesome alliteration that led to the choice of these shoes in the first place!

The Message Others Receive: Guess this guy doesn’t own another pair of dress shoes.

Vegan shoes
The Message You Are Trying To Send: The person wearing these shoes not only has cool-looking shoes, but has also chosen them for the fact that no animal cruelty was necessiated by the making of them.

The Message Others Receive: Wow, that guy’s leather shoes look really cheap.

Winklepickers
The Message You Are Trying To Send: “The person wearing these shoes is sophisticated and has thus gone for a timeless classic.”

The Message Others Receive: “This person never got the memo about the 1950′s being out of style.”

Winklepickers come in a variety of styles. Gotta catch 'em all?

White Dress Shoes
The Message You Are Trying To Send: “The person wearing this shoes is not an ordinary, boring man, but an unfound jewel, a real nice catch.”

The Message Others Receive: “This person really needs help!”

Esko Suoranta (who apologizes for the “your mama” jokes) and all Better Than Sliced Bread wishing you great parties and awesome fun times.

Looking Glam, Looking Fab – But With What Money?

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The academic parties, or sitsit, are wonderful events to get together with your student friends and to meet new people from your faculty. It’s also a great chance to sing your lungs out and, of course, look fabulous! But there’s the annoying issue of spare cash in these dark times of financial crisis: Who can afford to spend almost 100 euros for a new gown everytime there’s sitsit? It’s not affordable, or ecological for that matter…
 
One solution is to try to aim for a wardrobe that has a few stylish core elements, which don’t need to be changed annually.
I’ve tried to list some basic things that could help you put together several sitsi outfits (but which you can use in all sorts of partays)!
 
That Little Black Dress
 
I know, the LBD is a cliché but it’s also a timeless classic! A neat black dress should be in the basic wardrobe of every classy lassy. The material of the dress should be of good quality, and I recommend that you check the washing details and consider your own needs: it might be easier if you can wash the dress yourself, and don’t need to get it dry-cleaned! Little details are also important: remember to check the sewing carefully, the stitches should be tiny and dense. Demand quality for your money, the more cash you invest, the more years your dress will last!

The style of the dress is naturally up to you, but I would recommend a model that’s classic and easily altered with different kinds of accessories. Of course if you’re sure that you want to wear puff sleeves next year too, go for it! The color is only a recommendation, but black suits everyone and it goes well with your changing hairstyles and other knicknacks. Plus the usual Finnish paleness looks very classy with black, just remember that the final touch is all about…
 
Accessories, accessories, accessories!

Purses:
I would say that you need two kinds of party purses: one of classic style and color, which you can use on formal occasions (other than sitsit too) or even with jeans and a sequined top. The other kind can be much more fun – go crazy with it and bring in some color and personality to your outfit! Find your favorite color, a purse covered with feathers or pearls or even with cute pictures! My favorite of tiny purses is adorably in the shape of Hello Kitty’s head. You can find cute purses for example from flea markets, Accessorize, the Urban Outfitters website, Monki and of course from your mother’s, grandmother’s and sister’s (if you’re living on the edge…) stashes! If you want to invest more money on purses, try shops like Helsinki10, Minna Parikka and so on.

Scarves and jewelry:
There are no guidelines to where you should go and find scarves and jewelry, just follow your instinct and try to find personal things you like. Try something different and go check Secco and Lux-shop for marvelous pendants and charms! Or remember when you were a kid and you could borrow some neat thingies from your friends, like plastic kitsch rings and necklaces, Barbies or pencils? Why not try something similar now? If one of your friends has an accessory you would love to wear, ask nicely to borrow it! Just remember to be careful with things you borrow. If you’re talented with arts and crafts (which I myself am not…) try to make your own jewelry! Go hipster and put an old music-cassette to a silver chain or go cutie-anime and hang some Hello Kittys (*gasp*) FROM (*whew*) your neck.
Shoes:
What else could be more important and interesting than shoes?! Well, because apparently not everybody shares the same feeling, I’ll just sum it up: Find comfortable shoes that have heels you can walk with (or at least look cute when sitting down…) and that feel instantly yours. A beautiful pair of shoes can give your outfit the finishing touch of glamour and change your style completely. So instead of buying shoes, which are in fashion or look great on your best friend, be sure to select fun, cute, original and bold shoes that match you.

And a little hairy tip…
Trying to put together a hairdo can be a painful process, especially for those of us who are about as skilled with hairstyles as lumberjacks are with trimming gardens. Luckily help is close at hand! YouTube is filled with great step-by-step hair and make-up tutorials that should get you going.

Prepare your bobby pins ladies and type “how to do a classy up-do/party curls/wave etc.”!

I hope this article has been helpful, please feel free to tell me if you think that I’m completely out of my mind or if Hello Kittys never were in fashion (prepare to die). However if you’re one of those gals who think that neon-colored elastaine tank-tops are still cool, I’m warning thee, thou shalt be severely mocked.

Kaisa Leino and all Better Than Sliced Bread wishing you great parties and awesome fun times.

Lessons Learned From A Career in Fast Food

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The first question a physics major asks when faced with a challenge is “How does this work?”
The first question an engineering major asks when faced with a challenge is “How can I make this work better?”
The first question an English major asks when faced with a challenge is “Would you like fries with that?”

You’ve undoubtedly heard that joke uttered in some form or another at some point in your life. Many variations of it exist, sometimes with the English major being substituted for a generic liberal arts major, but the gist is always the same: studying liberal arts (or arts and humanities, whichever you prefer) is a step towards a great career in fast food or customer service in general.

I have always been a humanist at heart and as such even before I set out on the path towards getting a degree in English philology, I was already there working behind the counter at a hamburger joint that shall go unnamed. Call it preparing myself for life after graduation where, if sophomoric humour is to be trusted, there aren’t that many jobs available for someone interested in the minutae of English literature and the manifold variations of the language. However, working this job for almost five years now I can definitely say that I have learned many important lessons. Those of you not working in fast food can make what you will of these lessons, but I’m sure there are many practical applications for almost any line of work to be found.

1. People Skills
I have known many people working low-end customer service jobs throughout their lives and all of them have a few things in common. One of them is a deep-seated hatred and bitterness towards the common man which we will ignore for a moment, but the other is the fact that these people are some of the nicest people towards strangers that I know of.

It’s not much of a leap of logic: working behind the counter at a fast food joint doing a job that many people consider the lowest possible form of employment just above being a human guinea pig for a cosmetics company and below landscaping and gardening means that you will often come into contact with people who are predisposed towards treating you like dirt. In the most common case this is simply a lack of courtesy, but there is a certain type of customer who seems to be impossible to please from the get-go and who will heap their lack of respect for the establishment they are patronizing upon the person serving them. Years of being treated to cold responses from customers and the occasional verbal assault based on a matter I have absolutely no control over (such as the customer who took it upon himself to complain to me about the fact that our organic cane sugar is not made in Finland) has not only increased my tolerance for abuse, it has increased my respect for good manners and treating people working in customer service jobs.

The applications of social skills outside of customer service can’t be stressed enough, especially taking into account the fact that I aspire to become an English teacher. Having already grown a thicker skin towards abuse from people from all walks of life, I am not only confident in being able to deal with a class of seventh-grade kids but also their parents with their unrealistic demands.

2. Perspective
I mentioned the perception of my job as not being the most flattering one. Admittedly, the perception is a bit skewed, mostly by the fact that most people have never worked behind a counter and only have first impressions to go by. The job is not as bad as it is perceived by some people, but I must admit that occasionally while doing a night shift and wallowing in the smell of high-temperature grill cleaner while trying to scrub all traces of burnt fat from the grills so that they may be used again the following day, a thought has come to mind: there must be something better than this.

I know it doesn’t sound all that fun, but I have to say that without working one of the dirtiest jobs outside of reality TV shows revolving around them I would’ve never gained such a great respect for the very idea of a job which does not require you to smell of frier fat and cheese after a regular shift.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the thought of teaching that aforementioned class of unruly seventh-graders English doesn’t actually sound that bad after the hundreth night I’ve spent deep-cleaning the friers.

3. Stress-Management Skills
You know how in movies Vietnam veterans always seem to dream of nothing but ‘Nam and how their sleep is filled with images of the Vietnamese jungle burning around them while enemies close in on them from all sides and all of their comrades in arms are dead. People who work fast food have similar dreams, only the Vietnamese jungle is replaced with a nightmareish rendition of their place of wok, the enemies are the hordes of customers closing in on the register and while the rest of the staff are not dead they are probably out having a smoke or something.

I wish I was kidding about this, but some of my most vivid nightmares from the past four years have had to do with my job. They have always come during times of great stress at work (i.e. there’s a big sale at one of the local chains of shopping centers and thus our daily routine consists mostly of fighting a losing battle against a line of customers that almost unceasingly reaches all the way to the doors) and they are absolutely terrible and impossible to shake. The first thought I had upon waking up from one of those dreams was “Shit, I forgot that guy’s drink!”

Now, my work isn’t always stressful, but when shit does hit the fan it hits it good: one little thing going wrong may lead to a chain reaction that suddenly causes orders to get mixed up, people not knowing what burgers are still needed and a general feeling of disarray and mayhem. These spikes of high-stess activity no longer even stress me out. While during my first days of work they caused me to panic, causing a chain of events that almost lead to me having a seizure, they no longer faze me.

The ability to cope with the stress of the lunch rush starting with naught but a cheeseburger ready in the bin is one that translates well into any job. As you can see, the lowliest job can teach you skills that are applicable elsewhere in life, no matter what your pursuits may be.

The worst-case scenario is, of course, me having a six year advantage on all the other arts and humanities students as far as employment in our preferred field goes upon graduation.

Best in Helsinki

fiction

The theme of this issue being Helsinki it was only appropriate that someone take on the job of tackling the subject of the best things in Helsinki. Thus, in a hellbent fashion, three of BTSB’s staff members decided to find the places in Helsinki that matter to them the most.

The Best Place to Buy Shoes: Kenkäfriikki, Kluuvikatu 3.

Next to Fazer Cafe in Kluuvikatu is, in my opinion, the best shoe shop in Helsinki. The shop assistants are always nice and they know their products. Kenkäfriikki has a wide selection of different brands, including, for example, Pura Lopez, UGG and Janet & Janet. The shop is clean and quiet and the mirrors are in good spots. As the shoes are more expensive than, say, in Dinsko, you have to focus more on buying them. For me that means choosing classic models which don’t fit close but perfect and of which I’m sure that I’ll use them for several years.

The Best Cafe Near Metsätalo: Espresso Edge, Liisankatu 29.

Espresso Edge might be more expensive than Robert’s Coffee or Wayne’s, but it has character and very good products that are made on the spot. The coffees are usually well made and the sandwiches are really tasty (try the Skinny California!). The soup lunch has been spicy and delicious every time I’ve tried it. Espresso Edge also hosts changing art exhibitions.

The Best Place to Buy Records: Keltainen Jäänsärkijä, Urho Kekkosenkatu 4-6

While Keltainen Jäänsärkijä lacks the hipster-cred of Stupido and the large selection of Levykauppa Äx, not to mention the ambience of any record store within a larger shopping center, this little record store right next to Kamppi deserves a lot of praise not only for having a great selection of classics that anyone would do well to have in their record libraries but also for being a great place to find that one obscure album you’ve been searching for ages. To add to the store’s appeal their prices are extremely affordable in comparison to many of their competitors.

The Best Place for Planning a Better Tomorrow: Pub Magneetti, Mäkelänkatu 20.

With an almost invisible entrance, Pub Magneetti is one of the coziest places to enjoy a drink or two in the vicinity of the Helsinki center. The place is small and often packed by regulars, but still the atmosphere is welcoming and friendly. The drinks are served at student-friendly prices and the tables are often lit by candles. The decor is imaginative – metal paraphernalia is attached to the walls and ceiling, the place really living up to its name. Music is played at a volume that leaves room for conversation and the tunes are not your everyday MTV hits. Magneetti is a perfect place to lose yourself sitting with your friends for hours on end and it is one of the few bars in Helsinki that really starts to feel like an extension to your living room.

The Best Faculty of Arts Spex: Aallonharjalla, Malmitalo, 9.2.-12.2.

Aallonharjalla is the first ever spex, or academic theater spectacle, of the Faculty of Arts. Employing people from a gazillion departments, it tells the tale of three freshmen, Rauni, Masa and Hamlet, who get caught in the middle of an aggressive reform of their home faculty. Drawing influences from here, there and wherever, it addresses themes of existential student-life crisis, the changing role of humanities in post-modern society and the oh-so-quintessential ‟will professor Leif Salovaara get to go Dancing with the Starts?”. Tickets are 10€ for students and other wealth-impaired, 15€ for boring adult-like people and available from www.tiketti.fi.

Insider info: Even the newly elected President of SUB makes an appearance in Aallonharjalla! Will it be a cameo or the best thing since Heath Ledger in Dark Knight? There’s only one way to find out.

Compiled by Kaisa Leino, Patrik Renholm and Esko Suoranta

Being a Student with a Dog

fiction

Meet Freya, Freikku, Reijo, or more officially Fennican Kanteletar. She will be four in April and she is a Swedish Vallhund. She is my life and the one I have to thank for keeping me sane. She is also the main reason for my constant monetary problems and the reason I spend most of my time home or roaming the woods or doing agility.

The life of a student/dog-owner is not all easy and simple. First, there’s the responsibility. Having a dog is nothing like having a hamster or a guinea pig running around in circles in a cage. A dog is almost like a little furry person. Having a dog means compromising. You have to wake up early, sometimes in the middle of the night and even multiple times, to take the dog out. You have to make all your plans taking the dog into account: who’s going to feed her, take her out, keep her busy, and spend time with her. I’m lucky to have my parents living close by so that I can almost always take Freya there if I have somewhere I have to be. If I didn’t, you wouldn’t probably see me much outside the lectures.

Then, there’s the money business and the living conditions. We live in Puotila; mostly due to the surrounding wilderness (excellent hunting ground for hares and pheasants, according to Freya) and my parents living close by. My flat is 29.5 square metres with a balcony and a view to a pretty little wilderness between us and Prisma. After the monthly student allowance from Kela, I’ve still got a bit under 100€ left to cover of my rent. Then there’s the internet, electricity, water, etc. Having a job is vital for my existence, because the living is so expensive and I have to eat something as well. One of the reasons I don’t live in a HOAS flat, is Freya. The only dog-friendly small flats they have for a single person are in Korso and no way in hell am I ever going to move there. Dogs are, I believe, allowed in family and friend flats, though. The Helsinki City Real Estate Department flats also allow dogs, but those are usually really hard for students to get.

Because dogs need to be taken out multiple times every day, having one helps to keep up a decent physical condition. In order to keep Freya from turning into a rampaging beast and destroying furniture, we do agility twice a week. It is an excellent way of spending quality time with the dog, giving her something to put her energy in and for me to get some exercise as well. Agility is also quite expensive, but so is every other hobby I can think of involving some sort of regular guidance or training. But it’s not just the physical condition dogs help to keep up. According to several academic researches, having a pet (a dog, a cat or even a parrot) can help to improve depression, relieve stress and cope with other mental problems. They give their owners something to do and someone else to worry about. I know I wouldn’t be this sane if I didn’t have Freya.

I’m not sure I ever could live without a dog in my life now that I’ve finally (as a result of more than ten years of whining) had one for four years. The problem with having one dog is that before you know it, you’ve started daydreaming of getting another one. Then, once you’ve started the vicious circle, you can’t get off. Or so I’m told. The woman who keeps the Fennican kennel, from where Freya is, had at one time seven or eight Swedish Vallhunds. I’ve actually already for a couple of years now been thinking of getting another one to keep Freya company and to make my flat, if possible, even more messy and my life even more difficult and to have another go in bringing up a dog.

Having a dog and being a student at the same time sure as hell isn’t easy, but it’s totally worth it. If you’re willing to take the responsibility and care for another living being, and maybe miss out on a couple of get-togethers every once in a while, I really truly recommend getting a dog. It’s good for your health, both physical as well as mental. Besides, dogs are cute and amazing and *insert a hundred more adjectives*.

Yours truly,
I-just-spent-another-hundred-euros-on-agility-and-sausages-and-such-nonsense

About A City

fiction

People move to Helsinki every year to study, work and live. They come from just outside the city limits, from the East, from the West Coast, from Central Finland, from the North and all the way from Lapland. Others make the journey from different countries. What follows are the thoughts and experiences (edited by yours truly from written accounts) of three students, including me, and one professor.

With every new city, you have start with people and places. For someone who comes from a small town, it’s the scale of the Helsinki that can throw a person off a little. When I moved here two years ago, I expected a city much larger than Kajaani and, boy, did I get it. I absolutely dreaded public transport. A student from Imatra, who now lives in the greater Helsinki area, says he found it really confusing at first. The number of lines and the different modes of transport from the metro to trams to buses to trains are enough to make the inexperienced frown and worry. My first bus ride in the city consisted of me sitting at the back, hoping I wouldn’t make a complete fool of myself and thinking please, someone push that red button, I’m too scared to do it.

© Mikko Nieminen

© Mikko Nieminen

I was also too shy to talk to anyone at first. The student from Imatra recalls that his first impression of people in Helsinki was that they had ‘a sort of reserved quality to them.’ I also found their behavior completely different from what I’d been used to. I called this kind of aura ‘city cool’ as I watched people stand within inches of passing traffic, impatiently waiting for the light to change, not even blinking as ambulances and police cars went past, sirens blaring. Then again, I’m from a town where five cars at a junction counts as congestion. Later I’ve found out that in most cases, the seemingly guarded exterior is only skin deep as the people I’ve talked to have been friendly or at least polite. The indifferent or vaguely bored attitude to traffic comes with getting used to it as I’ve learned.

It’s impossible to talk about moving from one place to another without bringing language or speech into it, especially, when we are talking about individuals who study or have studied language. There is definitely a Helsinkian way of speaking. ‘I hate to say it but they speak a bit weird. It’s a sort of intonation thing, I guess, and a sort of nasality,’ the student from Imatra suggests. ‘And at times the weirdest dialect words that you could think of.’ Personally, I’ve had to ask more times than I care to admit from a born and raised Helsinkian friend what this or that word means (the first was ‘flaidis’), but I’ve also had the pleasure of confusing them by using words they don’t even recognize (like ‘pahki’ which really is a very useful word). The way I talk now changes depending on who I’m talking to, but I don’t think that since moving to Helsinki and adopting the speech style, I’ve ever gone back to my old dialect. Initially, I was reluctant to say anything in a Helsinkian manner for fear of sounding insincere or fake, like I didn’t belong, but as I’ve opened up to the city, so has the city opened up to me.
The student from Imatra says he sometimes misses the way people talk in his hometown although he admits to noticing that when he visits home, the people sound ‘more hick’ than he remembered. It is something I can agree with and I’ve often asked myself if I actually used to talk like someone from Kajaani. The answer is yes, of course.

tori

© Mikko Nieminen

He goes on to sum up the appeal of Helsinki: ‘I think the impression that’s proven most true is that there’s pretty much everything here. Well, perhaps not if compared to major cities abroad, but still in comparison against small town Finland, there’s a lot of stuff to do, see and try.’ As I’ve expanded my knowledge and map of Helsinki, I’ve become more interested in what lies beyond the very heart of the city. I’m eager to find more places that don’t get a mention in city tour books. I read from somewhere that only when you’ve found a favorite place in a city and it’s not in any guide book can you say you have found a home.

So the cliché that you can only know a city once you have lived there for a while seems to ring true. Helsinki is one of those places that may not charm you immediately, but once it shows its beauty, you are hooked. A student from the close-by Espoo admits to having had short-sighted view of the city, thinking of it as an urban center to his hometown. ‘Only after moving to Helsinki did I suddenly realize the scale of the city,’ he says. ‘It was quite a shock to actually come to terms with the fact that Helsinki does go on beyond Kallio.’ He adds the past few years that he has spent in Helsinki have been a learning experience.

One of the contributors of this article offers an interesting story about a changed Helsinki. She moved into the city in the mid-1980s from the United States. At the time, Helsinki was still a relatively isolated European capital with a largely homogenous (or white) population. So when she was walking down the street with a Namibian friend and they passed a mother with a small girl, the child asked in Finnish, very innocently, of her mother ‘what was that?’, meaning the dark-complexioned friend. Today such a question is probably not a common occurrence, but children always ask about things. The child she saw in the 80s has grown up and may have a child who asks his or her own questions. The city has changed and it is changing right now, quickly and slowly at the same time. The Helsinki we know now is not the same city it was a hundred years ago or fifty years ago or even twenty years ago. It’s continuously expanding and becoming more and more heterogeneous, enriched by immigrants and their cultures.

I eagerly wait to see what the coming years have in store for Helsinki and my experience of living here.

I’d like to thank everyone who took the time to offer their input. You rock.

Editor’s Note: Both images used with permission from the copyright owner, “’cause he’s awesome like that.”

Carspotting

fiction

In this day and age, you probably won’t get many brownie points if you have the audacity to say ‘I really like cars, and I like them fast, loud and expensive.’   But so what if you do?  Don’t apologize for it (I certainly don’t) and if someone starts preaching you about CO₂, ignore them.  Don’t engage them in that topic because they won’t stop and you’re bound to say something horrible to them.   I’m not going any further down that road right now because The Car is much more than a source of arguments.

But people who are into cars do suffer from stereotypes like these two: either you have to live in small town, wear a baseball cap at a jaunty angle and listen to senseless pop-trance-techno vomit, and on weekdays, you stand around smoking cigarettes and, on weekends, you drink, drive and hit a tree. Or if not that, you are a man who treats women like disposable items.  Attitudes like this can mostly be found in people who take everything too seriously, especially themselves, and the very core thing about cars is that you shouldn’t take such an uptight approach to them.  They are pretty silly, after all.  Boxes with wheels attached to them.

Don’t for a second think that it is somehow predetermined whether someone likes cars or not.  ‘It’s a boy!  Go buy the duvet with the cars!’  Nah, forget about all that, especially you ladies.  For example, I wasn’t born this way.  Sure, as a kid I’d inhale deeply every time I passed the gas station near my home, but that’s just because I liked the smell.  In fact, for a long time I almost loathed the act of driving a car and for that I blame the dreary Ford Focus diesel that I sat in all through driving school.  It took almost two years before I actually began to enjoy turning the steering wheel and feeling the car respond.  I suppose the turning point from disliking cars and driving to loving it began with Top Gear, a hugely popular British motoring show that has viewers who don’t even like cars that much, they simply enjoy the show.  Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May, with their antics and creative metaphors made me understand why some people think cars are so wonderful.  And before I knew it, I was one of them and quickly began to collect my favorite cars in that imagined Garage of Dreams every gear head has.

A whole new world opened up for me when I started paying attention to cars everywhere I went.  It’s great to not be bored if you have to wait for a late bus when there is always the possibility to see something interesting cruise past.  In the bus, I always sit on the left side by the window.  Can you guess why?  I like to carspot, and I’ve seen some pretty interesting ones like Aston Martin DB9s, Bentleys and a couple of Audi R8s.  But my favorite is still the Porsche 911 (see the pretty picture) and, lucky for me, there are plenty of those adorning the streets of Helsinki and they never fail to put a smile on my face and make my heart skip a beat or two.

I’ve found driving to be one of the best ways to get rid of stress.  Last spring, when I thought I was about to die of pressure about two weeks before my University entrance exam, I was belting up and down the highway in a gorgeous Mercedes with the sunroof open and I forgot all about linguistics, literary analysis and the Anglo-Saxons.  Sure, I did most of the work on my own, but that car fueled me, it had its part in getting me where I wanted.  Taking a walk in the forest would have only made me think of tree diagrams.

Still cars aren’t something you have to enjoy on your own, sitting in your room and circling the best candidates from the latest used car magazines.  The Car is a social thing as I came to realize as soon as I became a bit more outspoken about my affinity for it.  Two of the latest fun conversations with total strangers include a man in his sixties I met on a frozen car park as he was checking out a red Jaguar.  We had an interesting chat themed British cars versus German cars.  Another chance meeting was at a Humanisticum party when a friend of mine, with me in tow, decided to approach a couple of young men in their fetching pink overalls.  I don’t think I would’ve been able to hold down such a long conversation with them without my soft spot for car engines.

Don’t even get me started on the endless possibilities of sitting in traffic lights and looking over at the driver next to you.

But I’m not just talking about an object.  To prove a point, I refer to the finale of the American TV show Six Feet Under.  Why do you think one of the best TV series ever made ended with the youngest of the Fisher family driving a car through a barren landscape with glimpses of the future shown to the viewers?  It’s a metaphor.  The highway of life.  We’re all speeding, idling and cruising through life.  I’m one of those people who believe cars can transcend themselves to being something much more than just its physical matter.  It hasn’t happened to me yet with any car, but I sat on the passenger’s seat when my brother drove his beloved BMW for the last time before selling it.  So yes, I believe that German lump of metal was much more than what it appeared.  He stills asks about it occasionally.  ‘Have you seen it anywhere?’  Even my mom cried when she gave up her first car which was a banged up Datsun.

And if that’s hard to believe, think how difficult it is to throw away your favorite pair of jeans or shoes.  They are worn, they stink even though you’ve washed them and they’ve lost their original color and look, but you love them anyway.  They are not just jeans or shoes.

So what is The Car?  A box with wheels.  A fantastic conversation topic.  A thing of beauty.  A lump of metal and a metaphor.  It’s one big bundle of joy.  What matters isn’t what a bunch of engineers put together in a factory in Germany – or Japan or the US if you swing that way – but what you experience with it.  And it doesn’t hurt if the badge on its front oozes with prestige.

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Just Holler

fiction

metro-1Today on the metro I watched as the sun left us behind and we ducked into the tunnel near Sörnäinen. The booths feel like sections in a diner, but no table. Like the Pub tram that winds through downtown, but less beer. And orange.

Today three strangers sat with me and I was the only one not talking into my cell phone. Three mobiles pressed to three ears and three mouths a-jabbering.

Immediately above us was a life-size poster of a person in a bus talking on their phone under the caption “Älä Kailota.” Don’t bellow. Don’t holler.

Is it narcissism? For some, surely. A man talks about cheap sex in Thailand. He thinks the dark ones are better. Another tells his wife that he won’t be home tonight because things just haven’t been the same since the baby was born. I’m going to get some, somewhere, he says. Another mentions that she is on the metro 15 times.

Moi (brief silence). Metrossa (brief silence). Kotiin (long winded explanation of day).

Repeat.

To chat is, of course, reasonable. To call children and tell them you’ll be late, mandatory. But don’t stare across the half meter that separates us and look into my eyes while you do it. Glazed like a jelly donut.

Leave. Me. Alone.

**

metro-2It sucks being a security guard. I was one for three years. Sort of. This isn’t about that, just to say that it sucks. You are not a policeman and you are not a janitor. Something in between. On the metro system they have some power. The power to restrain, for example.

The other day a guy got on the metro in Sörnäinen, heading out of the tunnel, out into the light. He was wasted, though not beyond comprehension. He smelled like he had been wearing those clothes since the millennium celebrations.

He bellowed, hollered, tried to chat up an 18-year-old blonde. Middle aged women throughout the car began to squirm. The kid got off. People looked at the ceiling, the floor, out the window. I feigned lingual ignorance. People got off their phones or talked a little louder.

Randomly, in Kulosaari, two security guards entered our car. One was black. This seemed to shock the occupants of the car. When they saw the uniform a few ladies raised their hands, like schoolchildren, but literally did a double take when he answered them. His colleague seemed amused by this, the young man himself, less so. He engaged the drunk and managed to persuade him off the metro in Herttoniemi which was one station short of where he said he was going.

People flipped open their phones and relayed the story. “Älkää kailotako.”

Leave. Us. Alone.

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Espoo vs. Vantaa

fiction

This summer, BTSB sent me on a mission to solve the age old discussion of Espoo versus Vantaa. I traveled far and wide in search of answers. The research was grueling at times, but it paid off in the end. Before I submit the entire fourteen volume case for publication in hardback, complete with compelling charts and graphs, I present here a few selections from my journal. Prepare to be amazed. And to my kaverit, I apologize for any appeasement caused by this article; I can assure you that offense was the aim.

28 May 2008 – Helsinki

Started today with the most obvious way of gaining information on the subject. I got one Espoonian and one Vantaanian together and I asked them which town was better and why. The Vantaanian started the discussion with the captivating phrase that I later learned is known by all Vantaanians.
“Blah blah blah Vantaa,” he said. “Blah Vantaa good, blah blah Espoo blah bad.”
Powerful words, but the Espoonian countered with a bit of wit and wisdom.
He said, “Yadda yadda Espoo yadda yadda Vantaa.”
The conversation was intriguing. I could tell by just how hard I had to struggle to keep up with the arguments of these men. They were both so sure of themselves, and stubborn. The argument seemed like it would go on forever so I left a research assistant with them; will pick him up at the end of the summer.

27 June 2008 – Philadelphia

I’m getting tired of explaining Espoo and Vantaa to people here. Where it is, who lives there, they’re all white and Finnish, so what’s the problem, etc. The men I talk to just want to know which town roots for the Eagles and the women just seem bored. Although, some hockey fans did ask where Kapanen was from, so points to Vantaa I guess.

26 July 2008 – Tokyo

Got treated to a slide show today. It was given by a Japanese man who had been to Finland only two weeks ago. Looked at 14,000 pictures taken during a three hour layover. He plans on submitting them to the University of Tokyo’s Chances Are If You’ve Done It, The Japanese Have It On Film Project (CAIYDITJHIOF). Unfortunately, the man had no idea there was a difference between Espoo and Vantaa and so his pictures were not organized. I ran down the main stereotypes of the two, trying to see if he’d help pick them apart, but he just laughed. “Ha! Only fool look for differences between grains of rice,” he said, whatever that means. Have to remember to learn more about Japanese aphorisms.

25 August 2008 – Bulungi

Visited with the U.S. ambassador today. Then went to see the tribes. The first tribe I spoke to looked questioningly at me. I tried to explain the Espoo vs. Vantaa situation but all attempts at communication were impossible. Plus, it was very late before I proved to them that I wasn’t there just to give them more bibles. I’m told the natives here can’t stomach the Bible. Perhaps it’s the ink. I’ll try more direct methods tomorrow. But something’s about to break. I can feel it.

26 August 2008 – Bulungi

Success! Utter Success! Hooray! Success in communication with the natives and in the research as a whole!
I had an idea today of showing a picture of Espoo and a picture of Vantaa to the tribesmen to see which one they preferred. And it worked. It was amazing!
I brought out a picture of each city (one in each hand, in accordance with the scientific methods practiced at English departments around the world, to be sure) and no sooner had I done so then a native grabbed one of the pictures. He held it above his head and yelled, “Ibbabo Oday!”
Immediately after he had done this, a second native grabbed the other picture, held it up, and screamed, “Ntembe Ngoche!”
Then the first man plucked his belly button and the second picked his ear.
This was amazing. Here it was! The similarities between this argument and the Finns’ argument were clear as day. It was as if the first tribesman was from Espoo and the second from Vantaa. The disagreement in Helsinki came rushing back to me.
This is proof that there are people in the world, other than a small amount of Finns, who give a shit about the Espoo versus Vantaa argument.

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Licence To Kill

fiction

By the time I started writing this post, weeks ago now, the government issued a shoot to kill order against anyone causing any kind of trouble. People couldn’t come to work, go downtown and we were one security phase short of evacuation. That’s when I realized that this wasn’t another Florida, these people would not quietly shuffle back home grumbling and wait for the next elections. The camel’s back had been broken. Right around that time I started asking the locals their opinions on the matter, to form some kind of a general understanding why people were hacking each other to pieces with machetes. I talked to taxi drivers, students, local Kenyans, local muzungus, UN staff and so on. The following is my rough understanding of what went down and why. Obviously it is grossly simplified and generalized, partly to avoid writing a novel, partly because no one, myself included, knows all the details, and “truth” is a relative concept in Kenya.

By the time Kenya got its independence, it had been a colony for ages. The locals owned nothing and were all equally miserable. Then, once the country became independent, a huge amount of power and money was suddenly up for grabs. Unfortunately for everyone else, the Kikuyus and a few minor tribes got there first. They lived in the areas that had the most natural resources, the most international trade and so on, and claimed them theirs as the whiteys left the building. They got all the jobs, all the land that wasn’t owned by white men with mustaches and safari hats, and the rest of the tribes were left to fight for the leftovers. As the notion of “African democracy” is largely an oxymoron, things weren’t going to change very fast through politics, and they didn’t either. After all, the world history isn’t exactly packed with men (yes, just men) who were willing to give up any power once they got to taste it, and so Kikuyus (the the few other, much smaller tribes) remained largely as the “haves” and the rest were different varieties of “have-nots”.

Fast forward 40 years. President Kibaki’s administration hadn’t delivered what it had promised, among which was a new constitution that was supposed to take power away from the president and give it to the people. People were already ticked off and longed for a change. They voted in record numbers, hoping the next guy would different, but knowing all the while that that was hardly going to happen. Well, no matter, there wasn’t a next guy. Mr. Raila Odinga of the opposition, and of the Luo tribe, led the polls just before the elections, he lead by almost 500,000 votes when they were counting the votes, and then something inexplicable. Due to a “breakdown in communications” Kibaki went from down by 500,000 votes to winning the elections by a landslide, over a million votes. No wonder the people headed for the barricades. Now, I don’t know about you, but I have never seen such blatant cheating, not even by the Finnish cross-country skiers or anyone at least remotely connected to cycling. It was the political equivalent of screaming “LOOK, IT’S DEMOCRACY, RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!” and whacking them over the head with a cricket bat when they turn to look. Moreover, one peculiar phenomenon that didn’t exactly help the credibility was that Kibaki, who “won” the election got 44 seats in the parliament, while Odinga got 99. Wait a minute, so you’re telling me that the majority of the people voted for Kibaki, but also voted for Odinga’s party for the parliament? Hmmmm… Obviously every non-Kikuyu thought the elections were rigged, and the Kikuyus tried to stay quiet and hope no-one confronts them. No such luck. If there ever was an example of the shit hitting the fan, this was it. You probably caught at least some of the footage on the news so I don’t have to recap the horrible things that the Kenyans did to their countrymen. Suffice it to say, to quote an African proverb, that “When two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.”

Three quick tips for future reference:
1) IF you have to cheat in the elections, try to do it in a subtle fashion, than stating: “yes, I was behind when only 1,5 million of the votes had not been counted, but they all turned out to be for me..” I’m not exactly a math whiz, but in an election where there are 1500 candidates to begin with (true story), it is more likely for a person to spontaneously combust WHILE getting eating by a shark WHILE winning the lottery, than to get 1,5 million votes in a row. For god’s sake people, haven’t you watched West Wing?

2) IF for some reason you decide to play it fair, do everything you possibly can to be as transparent as possible about it. Hire people to call villages to tell them preliminary results every five minutes, make sure the international media is all over the elections, re-count the votes a few times and so on. Cause people who have been oppressed for a couple of centuries will most certainly not just shrug, say “well that was unlikely..” and go back to their shacks, if someone pulls a comeback of the century out of their ass, pardon my French.

3) IF you claim that you actually have played it by the book, do not announce election results where the voting percentage in several parts of the country is over 100%. It doesn’t look good on paper.

So first everyone blamed the Kikuyus, then things calmed down for a while, until the Kikuyus (and everyone else who had been harassed) decided it was payback time. By this time Kofi Annan was packing his suits to whip these jackasses into shape. There were peace messages everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE. Radio stations, tv-channels, newspapers, internet, fliers on the streets, banners inside the UN compound.. I even got a text message that urged me to be peaceful and love my fellow Kenyans. Now, this is all fine and dandy, but I honestly doubt that half of the poor Kenyans living in the slums and the tiny villages could understand the messages, all written in almost poetically elaborate English OR that they had access to most or any of the above media. Without a political, long-term solution this would be like trying to stop global warming by throwing ice cubes in the sea. Luckily Mr Annan is kind of a big deal in Africa, deservedly (his office smells of rich mahogany and he has many leather-bound books), and results seemed to be around the corner.

It still is, but we can already see a slice of it. There is hope, the violence has ceased for the most part, and there is talk of a new constitution, again. Perhaps Kenya can pull through after all.

However, as I understood from talking to the locals, the problem is far deeper than who is the president. There is a huge amount of young, poor, unemployed people, mostly men, whose patience has grown thin over the decades, and if the people in power don’t soon start looking at the big picture, creating jobs, and dividing power and land, we’re looking at a civil war. In case you didn’t know, the members of the parliament in Kenya are among the best paid in the WORLD (e.g. more than in the U.S.), while the country’s GDP isn’t even in the top 100.

One person who I have to mention in this context is a young man by the name of Felix Oduor. I met him through some German interns who had worked with him in the colossal slum of Kibera. He was well-spoken, smart, politically very aware, and poorer than any of us. He had a surprisingly clear picture of the situation and he was willing to discuss and debate the problem and its possible solutions.
But at the end of the day he told me, without blinking an eye: “If a firing squad (that roamed the country then) came here right now and asked who supported Odinga, to kill them, I would stand up and look into their eyes as they would pull the trigger.” How many of us would do that for any of the politicians in our respective countries? This just goes to show that the time for beating around the bushes, bending over backwards and accepting the harsh reality is coming to a close.

The license to “shoot to kill” hasn’t been used in a couple of weeks now by the authorities, but mark my words, if something is not done about the situation in the very near future, the people of Kenya won’t be asking for a license. Hell, they won’t even need guns to take what they think is theirs. And that, my friends, is when whoever is in the ivory tower needs to go out and buy a bigger fan, because the other ingredient hitting it will be provided in abundance.

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The Color Of Money

fiction

So there I was, sitting on my bed, chuckling for the umpteenth time at Eddie Izzard’s witty remarks about Jeff, the god of biscuits, when my phone started vibrating.

- Hey man, you up for a few beers?
- Always
- Meet me at Gypsie’s in 30 mins, k?
- Got it

I wasn’t actually feeling like beer at the moment, but he was the guy who was supposed to hook me up with job in investment banking, so I wanted to know if he had some news. I took a cab to Westlands, the part of Nairobi “where it’s all happening”, and I don’t mean the violence, but the nightlife. I hadn’t been at Gypsie’s before, but I had heard that it’s one of the nice local places, where all kinds of people were able to enjoy each other’s company in peace. That turned out to be both right and wrong, depending how you look at it.

It was still early, but the place was already filling up quickly and the DJ was setting up his huge PA on the terrace. I looked around for Vince, the guy I was supposed to meet, and soon found him hanging by the bar with a frosty Tusker, the official beer of my visit to Kenya. He was wearing cargo shorts, a print t-shirt and baseball cap with the acronym of his college in the US.

- ‘Sup, bro?
- I’m good, I’m good, how ’bout yourself
- All good.. You wanna Tusker?
- Do I have a choice? (grin)
- Hell, no!! (laugh)

We sit down and he starts explaining the situation regarding me possibly working for his dad’s company. I pay close attention for the few minutes, until I gather that I’ve heard all the important parts and the rest is just details that will change completely even IF I end up getting the job. It would include me basically being the human resources manager of a small investment bank, in other words, boss for all the local employees. I have no experience from an investment bank, or any other kind of bank for that matter, nor do I have any education on the subject under my belt. BUT, I’m theoretically a marine, which is a huge help when dealing with anything American, AND I can tell (borderline) offensive jokes in four languages (learned a few new ones from the bush babies in Zanzibar), which counts for several university degrees and years of experience in any field. So I’m not worried about the details, and instead concentrate on the people in the bar. It really is a colorful lot, locals, tourists, KC’s (Kenyan Colonials: old money whiteys, who think they’re royals), Europeans working in Nairobi etc. I smile at a German guy’s severely short shorts, that reveal his blindingly white hamstrings, as he orders a beer with an accent that he has stolen from a B-class WWII-movie. I shake my head and simultaneously catch a glimpse of a girl whose looking my way. I look behind me to avoid the classic “I’m so money I don’t even know it”-mistake, only to find a wall. She keeps looking at, I am convinced, me. Don’t get me wrong, women have looked at me before, but this time there are several things that don’t add up:
1) I haven’t shaved my beard in a couple of days
2) I’m sporting an overgrown buzz-cut
3) I’m sporting my Top Gun t-shirt, compliments of the Amsterdam-connection
4) There is a South American-looking beef cake with his hand on her hip
5) She looks like the girl from..well..any of Nelly’s music videos

Vince soon notices that my attention has been distracted and looks over his shoulder. Instantly he finds what I’m looking at and turns back around laughing, just in time to catch my best impression of Human Question Mark.

- You wanna hit that?
- …..WHAT?
- I said do you wanna go talk to her?

My brain quickly runs through all the information that it has on situations like this (no matches), and the through all the euphemisms and subtexts in the English language (plenty, but none fit).

- Ummmm…no, thanks
- Really, she’s hot, though, don’t you think?
- Well, sure (also, most water is somewhat wet and the sky is occasionally blue..)

I walk him through steps 1 to 5 and place some emphasis on additional, and perhaps the most important step number 6 – the reason I’m in this logic-forsaken, post-election mayhem in the first place – Tsuuls.

He shrugs, admits that it might be a bad idea and takes a big gulp from his Tusker.

- But seriously, IF you’d want to, any girl in here, man..ANY girl.

We engage in a lengthy conversation about inter-racial relationships in Kenya, and I feel like I should be taking notes, just to avoid getting unwanted girlfriends while asking for directions during my time in Nairobi.

- Hey, you mind if we go for a ride, I’d like to change clothes and I could show you something
- Sure man, you’re the host

We hop into his SUV and head east. After about 20 minutes of driving I have no idea where we are, since none of the roads have visible signs and none of them are straight for more that 40 meters at a time. Suddenly Vince makes a hard left and a uniformed Kenyan jumps out of nowhere to open a gate in front of us. We pull up at the parking lot of a huge mansion-like building as the guard salutes us, as if we were somehow very important.

- We’re here, at The Muthaiga Club

I find out that I’m suddenly a guest at the most prestigious and cash-money country club in East Africa, whose members include the “president” Mwai Kibaki, for example. We strut in the door of the “men’s bar”, a bar where women have never been allowed. I feel I should have a gray mustache and monocle, maybe even a pipe. This problem is soon fixed, as Vince exchanges a few friendly lines in Swahili with the bartender, who whips out the cigar box. We help ourselves to a pair of nice Cubans and proceed to pick a whiskey, or actually a whisky, since I pick the Scottish Jameson, fearing that I might have to pay for this fun. Politely I reach for my wallet, but Vince will not have any of that and casually signs a notebook and ushers me forward. The library has the “who’s who” of Kenyan history on its walls and a collection of business publications on its tables. Vince walks me through a few important (white) dudes and cheerily tells the tale of the president bringing his mistress to this library through the back door while his wife had to wait outside the front door of the “men’s bar”. Growing fearful that I will O.D. of chauvinism I ask him to show me the rest of the place.

Vince kicks open doors and gives me the tour of the impressive facilities that the members have at their disposal: the dining halls, the terraces, the hotel rooms upstairs (seemingly exclusively designed for extramarital activities), the tennis courts, and shows me where the golf course begins. Not too shabby for the J-Man.. Not that I’ll ever be a member, but still.. Moments later our cigars are butts in an ashtray, our glasses are empty on the bar, and we have hopped back into the SUV to continue my shock therapy.

Vince’s house is huge. This didn’t exactly come as a surprise, but the size of the house is nonetheless compelling. Vince’s amiable huskey comes to greet us and I scratch it while Vince disables the security. We step in and he shows me the bar, while he goes to change into something a little more executive than shorts and sandals. I whip up a round of Grant’s, again consciously avoiding the expensive stuff, and making sure that Vince’s drink is mostly rocks, after all, he is the driver. We hang out at the gargantuan balcony for a while and I explain the concept of Sauna to him, as well as the importance of wearing everything one owns when it’s -66 C with the wind-chill factor.

An hour later we’re back at Gypsie’s, talking to some KC girls that Vince finds attractive. To me they look like your average skinny British chippies, but he must have his reasons. Perhaps a fetish in bad teeth or general ignorance.. Still, the guy’s been more than generous to me so I play the wing-man, a role that I have played more times than Hugh Grant has played a goofy romantic. Because of my vast experience in this kind of activity it only takes a slice of my attention and I can resume my people-watching. Highlights include an old fart who has deliberately forgotten to button the last 6 buttons of his linen shirt for that “wild lover”-look. He’s hanging out with four prostitutes, of which one is pregnant and the other keep competing in who has the best “I hate my life”-expression. There is some commotion on the dance floor as its average height suddenly rises by a foot, when a young Dutch couple decide to show everyone else how it’s done to the beat of Darude’s Sandstorm. Again I shake my head in amused disbelief and again I catch a glimpse of the music video girl..

She’s still there, still glued to the Latin dude, and still staring at me, but this time on the dance floor. Vince’s girls suddenly feel like dancing to some techno-crap and naturally I have to follow. About two minutes later Vince and the girls start arguing about something in front of the DJ-booth. The music is blaring into my ear, so I can’t hear what they saying, so I do the “awkward white man” 2-step and look like an idiot. (vast experience there, too) Then I see the music video girl approaching, the Latin guy in tow. She’s coming right towards me and my head spins like that of a baby owl, hoping to fold pre-flop, thus avoiding a fight with the Latin dude. Behind me is a speaker, on my left Vince is putting on the vibe, so the only way to go is right. It turns out that even right is sometimes wrong, because I practically run into a drunken English-looking woman, who is having an epileptic seizure…or dancing..it’s hard to tell. She screams in my ear that she’s Lucy’s mom. I have no idea who Lucy is, or why the hell her mom wants to dance/seize with me. However, terrified to turn around, I rely on the “awkward white man” 2-step, until Lucy’s mom starts to compliment “my awesome moves”. I feel nauseous. Quickly excusing myself I beeline for the bathroom to get away from it all. Vince soon enters the bathroom, together with an extremely tanned Caucasian with a funny accent.

- ..is what it’s all about!!, the Caucasian emphasizes
- What is?, I ask
- Africa. It’s where it’s all happenin’. I’ve been an international journalist for 25 years and I can tell you: THIS…is where it’s all happenin’.
- So you from S.A., right?, Vince asks
- Yup, Johannesburg. The only place that beats Kenya.

They compare a handful of African countries while taking a leak, and I decide to go for the 80′s hang by the hand dryer.

- So J-Man, why did you run away from the hottie?, Vince inquires
- She was a bit too intense, the guy wanted to kick my ass, and I think she was a prostitute
- Well, sure, but you wouldn’t have to pay, the South African interjects
- …WHAT?
- Yeah. Young, sporty guys like you, you’re a jackpot for them. It’s kinda like a long-term investment for them. They may not get money right NOW, but if they’re your “girlfriend”, you’ll end up buying them stuff. Besides, hanging out with a muzungu raises a local girl’s status like nothing else..TRUST ME, I’ve been there.
Vince nods at me, smiling.
- True story, bro.
- What about the Latin guy then?, I ask, thoroughly puzzled
- Survival of the fittest. She thinks you’re hotter, richer, or Latin guy is old news. Either way, she’s yours, if you want, the South African breaks it down.
I proceed to explain my reason for being in Africa and the guys back down.
- All right, man. Good talk, though. See you guys later.

The South African guy exits and we soon follow him back to the bar. Vince goes back to his girls and I sit at the bar, in desperate need of a large Tusker. As I’m sipping away I feel someone graze my back and turn to see the behind of the music video girl going to the bathroom. Phew.

Finally Vince is done with the ladies and we can go home. The whole ride home I try to process everything I have heard and seen during this somewhat hectic night as Vince explains how things went with the Brits. As we pull up in front of our gate I thank him for everything and start wrestling with the lock.

Just as I’m coming to the front door and I think I can finally relax I see Kiki, the host family’s adult daughter, and Russo, the old and angry German Shepherd with it’s teeth exposed. Not cool. Kiki tells me to head for the door slowly, which I do with ninja-like smoothness. Too late. Russo jumps at me and I pivot to avoid receiving it in my lap. However, the few Tuskers have slowed my reflexes down to not-so-ninja-like and Russo bites down on my knuckles. I manage to shake myself free and walk to the door swearing like a pirate.
- Did he get you?
- Nono, sometimes I just bleed for the hell of it..

As I take my bloody pants off to go to bed I empty my pockets and what do I find in my back pocket…

It turns out that Paul Newman and Tom Cruise were wrong. Even though the green dollar may be the universal currency, even in Tanzania, in Africa the color of money is white. And it comes with blood..

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Looking For A Job

fiction

Balancing on the thin line between being a successful student and a hard-working employee is a skill worthy of admiration (and envy). As students, we are forced to adapt a very degree-orientated approach to our studies. We are under constant pressure from the department and the faculty to get on with our studies, graduate and change our degree-orientated lifestyle to a career-driven one. However, at the same time those of us who are lucky enough to have a job are under a similar pressure from our employers, who place trust in us to do our jobs well and conform to a work ethic, which is very often in conflict with that of our studies.

In some cases, it is the job that gives us leeway in trying to conjure a schedule which could fit our curricular and our extra-curricular activities. When a student applies for a job, it’s taken for granted that they can work best during weekends and evenings. However, with the wage settlements active in most of the jobs with positions for students, those are the very hours that supply the best pay and, thus, are also very much craved for among any non-student employees as well.

Since, as a university student, you aren’t in any binding contract to finish your studies in any certain time-period, it’s easy to give into the pleasure of receiving a fat pay check every month, at the expense of your studies. The problem of balancing, as mentioned above, comes into play as soon as you realise that even though your studies aren’t governed by any legality, the whole idea of being a student is to graduate some day (preferably soon) in order to start a career of choice, which would otherwise (i.e. without your degree) be impossible.

So the dichotomy behind student life is working enough to supply yourself with whatever commodities you deem necessary to support your chosen way of life and studying enough to, eventually, receive a degree and steer your ship to better horizons. Some people have it easy, having worked long enough to be able to dictate their own schedules, but others have to work long summers, in order to accumulate savings that will support them for the rest of the year.

In Finland, struggling with the dichotomy is a tasking job, thanks to KELA (The Social Insurance Institution of Finland). KELA offers a monthly study grant to all students. It’s considered “free income”, since it’s not a student loan. In order to be eligible to receive the study grant, a student can work only so much during a year. The limits are ridiculously small, and if you wish to receive the full nine month study grant, you can work little or none at all, making it a difficult job to find an employer who’d want to hire someone to work for only a couple of days per month.

The study grant is also very small, meaning that living solely on it is a difficult job, requiring the student to compromise on basically all aspects of their life: the food they eat, extra-curricular activities they engage themselves in, trips, etc. The problem, as I see it, is that because KELA has such a strict limit on how much a student can work, they don’t accumulate enough work experience, a necessity that all employers look favourably on, no matter what degree(s) you hold.

The student is thus left with a handful of choices: live solely on the study grant, working little to none during semesters and a little bit more during the summers; work a little bit more, cancelling the study grant for an appropriate amount of months (in order to increase the amount that one can work); and cancel the study grant altogether, meaning more work at the expense of your studies. In my view, the first option is for those who are unwilling to compromise their studies at all. The possible result is that they graduate faster but with little work experience to show for. Naturally, not all students come from a background of school-to-school, but might have worked for years before beginning or resuming their studies. But I think that completing your studies while working at the same time is a show of character that many employers find agreeable. The second choice is for those who’ve found a job that gives the student a chance to manipulate their shifts and work schedule in order to preserve the harmony between accumulating work experience and still having the strength and energy to complete their studies with success. They enjoy a wealthier life than the former group, but the months they’ve cancelled the study grant for only remind them that even though it’s a small sum (the grant), it’s still “free money”. The third choice is for those who like to work and earn a nice, fat, monthly pay check. They might have to drop a few courses because of low attendance, but they’re getting heaps of work experience, and they’re sure that it will make up for the lost time.

My personal view is that every student should, at some point in their studies, belong to either the second or the third group. After talking to many employers (in interviews and just regular chit-chat), I found out that having a good résumé is vital. The job descriptions don’t speak on your behalf, since having worked in a fast-food restaurant for five years might not tell that much about your skills, say, in a high-tech job, but it will be a testament of your character. And I’m sure that regardless of degree type, when two people with equal academic qualifications apply for a job, the one with more work experience is ahead when choosing the future employee (of course, personal characteristics come into play too, but for the sake of argument let’s discard them).

At least in the University of Helsinki, I’ve noticed that work experience is something not adequately emphasised to the future BAs and MAs. Recently at least the Faculty of Arts has implemented several different “working life experience” courses in their syllabi, but these amount next to nothing in the long run. I understand that universities don’t have the resources to mother the students in their search for a career, but I wish they’d try a bit harder. KELA comes into play too, since their ridiculously strict limits on how much a student can work (in order to still be eligible for the study grant) demoralise anyone wishing to work, study and receive the grant at the same time.

From personal experience I can say that even though working and studying at the same time is a tough job for many, it’s rewarding in the long run. Even the sweatiest job is still a job. Since studying involves a personal contract above all else, it’s up to you how devotedly you wish to complete your studies. My solution was to work really hard for the first four years, naturally neglecting my studies somewhat, and then to hit the school bench with double force. I believe it’s paid off, because with my previous work experience I was able to make a better settlement with my employer about the hours I work, and with the new vigour I have towards graduating, I’ve attained a level of motivation that will surely help me through the rest of my studies.

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Wild Life

fiction

Right. Time to wrap up the Zanzibar trip:

To get away from the hustle and bustle of Stone Town, Jewelz had reserved a room for us at Santa Maria Coral Park, a small resort on the eastern coast of Zanzibar. Once the minibus had dropped everyone else off at their respective hotels, the Spice Tour driver took us across the island to Pengwa, where out resort was located. The poorly paved road turned into a gravel road, which soon turned into an even smaller and bumpier road. That, however, only took for two minutes and soon we had arrived at our destination.


There was not a soul to be seen. Nor did we hear anyone or anything, save the wind and the soothing sound of the tide coming back in. I stood still and a growing smile appeared on my face. Now THIS was what I was talking about. Shortly a dude appeared, wearing shorts, a sleeveless t-shirt and a huge smile. The reception was outdoors, as was everything else. They weren’t that big on walls on Zanzibar either. Jewelz checked us in while I grabbed the key to our bungalow or “banda” and rushed to the bathroom, which would be my trademark on this paradise island..

All in all the place had only six bungalows, each housing two people, so the ambiance of the resort was peaceful, to say the least. The wind and tide, that turned out to be famously huge, drowned out all the other sounds, except at night, when it became background noise to the hooting of the birds and the manic laughter of bush babies.

On the second day we got to talking with a Swedish couple from Göteborg. We became friends for the few days and formed, together with the staff of the resort, the nucleus of the New Year’s festivities. Well, to be honest, the other guests were nowhere to be found, but had they been there, we would have definitely been the nucleus.


Or, to be completely honest, the nuclei, because the party was at two physical locations. The bar next to the beach, and the bonfire on it. (the beach, not the bar) The beach party, however, was somewhat smaller, as it consisted only of Jewelz and the extremely eager and happy snorkeling instructor/handyman Suli, and some burning sticks. But what it lacked in size it made up in intensity..


Still, the best part of the stay was definitely the nature. The sea was obviously amazing, in good and bad. The water was warm and the snorkeling was a lot of fun. I saw a huge bright red starfish and dozens of smaller ones. As I don’t possess an underwater camera, below is a picture of a smaller version that lived on the beach. The coolest maritime animal was, however, the blowfish. This bad boy was huge when Suli threw it into the boat, but suffered soon an acute case of asphyxiation (and possibly lupus), and shrunk to 1/5th of it original size. Hilarious. Naturally I put the poor bastard back into the ocean before its pulmonary system failed completely.


Notice the cool diving mask lines..

Moving on to the amphibian creatures, the crabs were plenty all over the place. There were sand crabs, like Crab Man in the previous post and the “hermit” crabs that inhabited empty shells. Lisa even became an unintentional murderer of one of these critters. She found a large beautiful seashell on the beach and took it to their banda. A couple of hours later they came back from lunch to find a dead crab that had managed to drag its body out of the shell, but sadly never made it back to the beach. So kids, whenever you pick up a seashell, make sure nobody’s home!!


Don’t worry, he’s still alive.

As for others species that we encountered, there were obviously a lot of birds. They, however, were loud and rather boring, as they mostly stayed hidden and just concentrated on waking up people at steady intervals. But the award for the coolest animal is very close, almost a tie. The silver goes to Jeff the Lizard! This guy set up camp in our bathroom and casually hung out with us, even through showers. It’s hard to tell from the pic, but he was about the size of my palm, but still managed to stay on the wall and the ceiling.


“Crap, they spotted me!”

And the winner isss…….


Komba!(swahili) Or Eddie the Bushbaby. This nocturnal fur ball came to visit us on New Year’s Eve, right after dessert. The receptionist told us that they love mango, which explained its sudden interest in us. I tried to invite it to hang with us, but seeing that we had already selfishly eaten all the mango, it hopped into a bush (oh, so that’s where it comes from..) and joined its buddies in the tree tops. The lot of them then spent the rest of the night laughing their hairy butts off, with a voice that sounded exactly like Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop, hence the name. During daytime they were nowhere to be found, so I deducted that they must have been somewhere coming up with new knock-knock jokes to tell each other the next night.

On the morning of the fourth day I was filthy (salt, sand, sweat…combination of factors, really), quite severely sunburnt and ready to go back to Nairobi. I appraised Jewelz in her wisdom, as she had booked us flights from Zanzibar airport to Nairobi, and we didn’t have to repeat the horrendous, yet interesting, bus ride back.

Once we got to the airport, it looked like all hell had broken loose. And it had, in Kenya. I will discuss the volatile situation in the country in a later post, but suffice to say that everyone was very keen to go home, or wherever they were going, and one flight had already been canceled. One American couple had been waiting at the airport from 5 in the morning and they looked like they were either going to break down in tears or go on a killing spree if they didn’t make it to the afternoon flight. One thing that didn’t exactly help the situation was the local authorities habit to routinely overbook the flights in order to maximize the capacity usage. Fortunately we boarded the plane with time to spare (8 mins after it was supposed to take off), after paying the “leaving-the-country-tax”, my first one, ever. It had to be paid in dollars, naturally, while the plane tickets were paid in Tanzanian Shillings..

I bet the airport has seen some fascinating scenes, when cranky tourists, stressed to make their flight connections, have been asked a random amount of dollars in the name of a mysterious tax that is “built into the ticket prices” in other countries and airports, when they’re out of cash and the nearest ATM is a 30 min taxi ride away, after which the money has to be exchanged to shillings. And the only information on this ridiculous tax is a torn piece paper that looked like an old flier, in the corridor leading to the bathrooms (read. holes). OutSTANding, isn’t it?


Well anyway, we made it, and even got a glimpse of the great Kilimanjaro, which I was supposed to climb, before one jackass decided to inconspicuously rig the elections by a quiet 1,5 million votes. Sadly that may be closest I ever got to that peak. Mt. Kenya, however, is still on the table. After all, I have to climb something after buying a shitload of equipment and dragging it to another continent.

I shall leave you today with this hilarious onomatopoeic detail:

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The Darker Side

fiction

I used to work at a grocery store. In fact, it was one of the busiest grocery stores in Finland, both in relation to customer numbers and the inevitable consequences (good and bad) of the diversity of our huge clientele. When I first started I found out that being a male employee at our store entailed a responsibility unmentioned in any contracts or application procedures. Since the store was situated at a junction of bus, train and commuter traffic, we were forced to witness many examples of our society’s more disreputable outgrowth: drunks, brawlers, junkies and shoplifters.

My first days at the job, in addition to learning the ropes, were full of bewilderment, mild fear and occasional amusement at the sheer number of these people, who came to the store in search for something to pocket before checking out. At times I also marvelled at the audacity and outright boldness that some of them conducted their “business” with. Since I grew up in a well-mannered family surrounding, shielded from the darker truths of our community, it came as a shock to see how people could so disrespect the law in their shoplifting galore. When I told of my experiences to my mother, she, ever the firm believer in inherent goodness within every person, would say that they steal out of necessity; to survive. Considering that most of the stuff shoplifters take from stores is alcohol and expensive industrial products, I was either forced to change my perceptions on what really is necessary to people or come to terms with the fact that Mother was wrong. After months of work at the store, I firmly believed in the latter.

Shoplifters are usually harmless. When you apprehend them after the check-out, they usually accept the fact that they’ve been caught. Since we had many employees at our store, all who had seen and dealt with shoplifters a gazillion times before, most of the culprits understood that the only thing they’d gain from fighting back is a bigger fine. But then there were those with the moral fibre of a monkey wrench, those shot up with enough drugs to sedate a blue whale and those who’d just come along looking for a wrestling match. They didn’t care about the fine, because when worse comes to worse, they’d be jailed for having too many unpaid fines, and thus they’d get a free meal and lodging at the police station.

I hated getting into fights and tried to avoid them by either talking to the brawler rationally (sometimes it worked, often it didn’t) or by moving behind them and sealing off a possible escape route while the other employees, with more muscle than brain, would try to physically calm the suspect. The brawlers were the guys you had to watch out for, because even when caught they could be potentially dangerous, owing to the fact that they’d have blood-coated syringes in their coat pockets just waiting to poke someone trying to frisk them. The junkies were always a big question mark, and they were apprehended with extra care and with considerable attention towards employee and customer safety.

So once we had them in custody, we’d walk the troublemakers downstairs to our storeroom, where they’d sit nicely and wait for the police to arrive. The ones who admit to their lawbreaking are the ones that cause no trouble. Sadly, they’re the minority. It’s funny that about 95% of all shoplifters deny their actions, even though they’ve been seen by multiple witnesses and our security camera network. Even when you fish a product out of their jacket, they claim it’s from another store. When the product has the nametag of OUR store printed on it with large letters, they claim they bought it the day before. And when the product is still cool due to being lifted only a moment ago, they claim that their low-body temperature maintains the coolness. After months and years of work you’ve heard just about anything from a little white lie to a huge, whopping black one.

Once in custody we also try to talk some sense into them. It’s usually futile, since they’re so drunk or junked up that they can’t remember a thing the next day. But we do it for our pleasure too. We try to crack their shells and make them see the wrong in their actions. I don’t claim that it’s anything to do with reformation or preaching better ways in life, it was more a good past time and every now and then a competition of who can make the big man cry first. I’m not proud of the teasing, nor of the occasional slaps to the face we administered, but it was all a result of frustration. We work our asses off to keep the customers satisfied, and our precious time and effort is wasted while having to baby-sit a shoplifter who is too inebriated to control his bowel movement.

My years at the grocery store taught me a newfound cynicism for the world and its people. It’s like Neil Gaiman’s “Neverwhere”, where the bums and vagrants are invisible to other people. Of course you can see them sitting by the railway station or in front of heating vents, but my sometimes lengthy discussions with them in the storeroom below my work place gave me an incredible insight into some of their lives. For example, one of the worst cases, not in terms of misbehaviour or brawling but in quality of life, used to be an actor in the old Finnish Spede-films. You couldn’t recognise him with first glance, but his welfare card had a picture of him from his younger days. It’s amazing how life treats you.

After I quit my job, I learned to look at people in a new way. Before, especially at work, I could divide them into potential shoplifters and the rest. Now I could look at people, and at the mirror, and understand that each and every one could have their luck turn against them just around the corner. It’s a dismal view of life, but one that makes me try even harder to succeed and to avoid the pitfalls and shadows that are so easy to fall into.

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Gran Spice Turismo

fiction

Having survived Stone Town with its numerous nocturnal challenges it was time to take a “spice tour”. At 900 hours a van came to pick us up from our “hotel” and we headed for the central parts of the Spice Island. After about 45 minutes of all kinds of roads we arrived at the plantations. The government owns 95% of the plantations, which guarantees their conservation and the plantations that we visited were, therefore, a kind of mosaic of different plants, grown for tourist and research purposes. Although, as far as I could tell, the research consisted of a bunch of teenage boys climbing the trees, peeling the fruit and the plants, and crafting all sorts of accessories and gizmos for the visitors, in hope of a few shillings. One dude even weaved an ornate frog-shaped necklace out of palm leaves, which he gave to an ignorant German girl, who took everything they made (the necklace, rings, drinking cups, bracelets etc.) and was appalled and thoroughly flabbergasted when the kids politely asked if the lady cared to spare a few coins for their efforts at the end of the tour. (never hit a woman…never hit a woman…)

Our cheerful guide, whose name is impossible to pronounce without dislocating one’s jaw (there’s a silent g somewhere in there), took the charge and proceeded to tell the story of a fruit that smells like old hell but tastes brilliant. It turns out that, if one is not too fond of the copious amounts of prostitutes that will invariably surround the said person at any Tanzanian night club, one should eat a couple of these bad boys and the problem solves itself. (will try later) After a good chuckle the guide started the tour and we naturally followed. We walked around narrow paths and gravel roads marveling the different fruit and spice trees and bushes. Some personal favorites were:

The mysterious “hairy strawberry” that was mostly used for its color as lipstick, in food, and on the forehead of Indian women.


The Egg Nog fruit, that has been used in East Africa as an aphrodisiac for women for centuries. Should men try to take a bite, they would shortly fall asleep, we were told. Unfortunately we didn’t have the time to subject this uncanny fruit to empirical testing. Oh, and it’s other parts make for outstanding chili.


The palm tree. There are three different varieties on Zanzibar which are all used differently. One is good for building houses, other’s coconuts taste better, the third one’s leaves are the thickest and provide excellent raw material for building durable roofs. According to the guide, the palm tree is the most useful plant of them all, because every part of it can be put to significant use and it thrives in a wide variety of surroundings.


We also found out that clove tea cures diarrhea and papaya seeds constipation, so that one can play stop’n'go games with ones stomach, if need be. Moreover, papaya makes for brilliant booze, although its production is now illegal, since it can turn you blind on random occasions. A cheaper “light” version of Russian Roulette, anyone? Ginger turned out to be quite a plant, too. All of its parts smell and taste different, AND it’s root IS Chinese “tiger balm”. Smells exactly the same and has the same effects, who knew? Finally, when I discovered that I have been lied to all my life and that black, white, and red pepper are all the same plant, I could safely conclude that I had learned more during the previous hours than during all of the home ec./cooking classes combined.


After the tour we got to visit an old cave, where an Arab sheik had kept his slaves after slave trade was banned in Zanzibar. It was damp, painfully hot and breathing in the cave was like breathing through a straw. The lad who told us the story of the cave also told us that it has two fake exits, made by the vindictive Mother Nature herself. The first one, crowded with spiders and other nasty creepy crawlies, ends in a dead end after becoming narrower and narrower all the while, so that one eventually suffocates to death. The other one is perhaps even more cruel. Similarly, it goes on for ages, until there is a part where one has to crawl down an extremely narrow hole. The good news: after this the slaves could witness the light of day coming from ahead. The bad news: the hole is in a vertical cliff, dozens of meters from the ground, and it is impossible to climb back, so the only option is to base jump without parachute. And perhaps the most grim part of all of this is that the other slaves had no way of knowing whether their comrades had managed to escape, other than following them, to which you already know the result…

You can imagine that we were rather relieved to be able to take the stairs on the way out, and even more so after spending the next hour on a hidden paradise beach, half a mile from the demonic cave.


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How To Sleep Well In Stone Town, Zanzibar

fiction

0. Do not eat Pasta Arrabiata for lunch (or add local chili to it)

1. Do not eat shrimps for dinner
2. If you have to eat shrimps, don’t take the “spicier” dish
3. If you do the above anyway, do not order spiced tea “to calm down your stomach”

4. Do not turn down the fan from “full” to “2/4″, prioritizing silence over temperature
5. Do not move the table in front of the door “for security reasons”
6. If you do, remember that it is there when you go to the bathroom

7. Make sure there is plenty of toilet paper available before you go to bed
8. If there isn’t, make sure that the water from the hand shower isn’t too cold
9. When you jump up from the toilet, be aware of the wet floor
10. After using the hand shower, make sure it doesn’t leak on the floor

11. Do not try to wet your sheets with cool water and hang them below the fan to “enhance the cooling”
12. Remember to remove the mosquito net BEFORE getting out of bed
13. see number 6

14. Make sure that there aren’t any roosters on the backyard BEFORE you accept the room
15. If there are no other rooms available, make sure you have a silenced rifle in the room
16. Make sure that your room is not close to a mosque, where the Imam invites people to pray at 5.30 am
17. see number 15

18. If you have to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes, there’s no point in going to bed in between, just sleep on the toilet seat.
19. Remember the 5 cm of water on the bathroom floor, before you try to sleep on it.

As a matter of fact, your best bet is to avoid sleeping in Stone Town at all costs. Unless you want to pay 250$ for an air-conditioned, hopefully soundproof room, and bring your own food (and a rifle, just in case).

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Damnation Without Relief

fiction

Since rest (much like lunch) is for wimps, we woke at 5am the following morning in order to catch the 6.30 bus to Dar-Es-Salaam. I had set myself a pot limit with the Tuskers the previous night just in case, for which I thanked myself on several occasions during this little sprint across Kenya and Tanzania. This whole trip to Zanzibar was carefully planned by Jewelz, so all I had to do was follow her, fill in obscure forms every few hours and pay random amounts in various currencies, which I’ll get to later. This may sound like a walk in the park, but please, read on.

The city center was already crowded. It was election day and everyone wanted to cast their vote in time, which they had plenty, until 6 pm, but I guess no one wanted to take any chances. Unfortunately, despite the zeal to vote and more than enough time to do it, the election would become a sad, violent farce, which I will cover in another post altogether together with its repercussions. Anyway, the streets were filled with antsy and slightly cranky Kenyans, as was the bus station when we arrived. There were two buses. One that was in rather good condition even in western standards and even had a toilet. I assume I do not surprise you when I tell you that it was not our bus. Our bus was probably from the 80′s or early 90′s, had no toilet, no air conditioning, seats that reclined but refused to re-incline, a corridor that was about 35 cm wide and windows that would open just enough to allow a gust of air to graze the ‘fro of the person behind you, but had no effect in your personal state of overheating. But because we had no expectations whatsoever regarding the transport system, we weren’t that disappointed. It wasn’t too hot (yet) and we even got something of a breakfast (water, a mysterious meat roll, and an egg) ((like you do)).

About four hours later we arrived at the Tanzanian border.

Notice how the skilled photographer missed both mountain tops, cut the beautiful tree in half and inclued a piece-of-shit-Toyota…thanks

We had filled some forms and followed the crowd through a small village into what tried vigorously to be an office and failed miserably. The visa payment was made in dollars, since it’s such a relevant and strong currency especially in East Africa.. (WAKEY WAKEY!!!) We got some faint, unclear stamps and continued by foot to Tanzania, where the bus was hopefully waiting. Miraculously it was there, and we boarded it after quickly visiting a local toilet located “behind other building, next to big tree”. As soon as we had sat down the driver started the bus and straightened his ankle. During all this time no one had uttered a single advice or notification, nor had there been any signs to tell the odd tourist what on earth to do at the border. We felt like we had dodged a bullet because nothing had been stolen and the bus hadn’t left without us. Africa tends to lower one’s expectations pretty quickly.

The roads in Tanzania reminded of the part in Ace Ventura II, where Jim Carrey is bouncing around violently in the driver’s seat of a safari jeep. And when the camera zooms out the spectator can see that the road is perfectly paved, and that the chubby guy on the passenger seat is sitting completely still. The only difference was that we were bouncing involuntarily because the road was light years from being perfect. Nevertheless, they were still far better than the roads on Kenya’s side, because calling them “roads” would be pushing the term quite a bit. So in that way, the trip had taken a turn for the better. In other ways it was deteriorating at a steady pace. We had water, but we didn’t dare to drink it, because nobody knew when we’d stop next. The sun was getting hotter and there were no curtains to block its furious rays. The smells were getting more aggressive and the plains were only interesting for the first 6 hours.

Every couple of hours we’d stop (for gas, or a couple of times because the driver wanted to chat for a moment with his homeboys in the tiny villages. Whenever the bus stopped, however, the locals flooded the bus and tried all to sell us soda and peanuts, both a huge no-no. Peanuts make you thirsty, when you’re thirsty you drink, when you drink you pee.. Sadly this complicated cause and effect system didn’t occur to any of the villagers or the driver and no one bought anything. IF the passengers had been allowed a 5 minute bathroom break every 2 hours or so, the villagers’ sales would undoubtedly quadrupled and the trip would have been hugely less agonizing, but the driver wouldn’t have any of that..

The second of the total two (2) stops on this 15,5-hour pleasure cruise was on a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Again, there was no indication whatsoever how long we had so we ran for the toilets. After a minute of careful aiming we returned to the bus only to find that its doors were closed. We didn’t want to in to the station because the smells had exacerbated significantly and the food they served was nothing short of just plain scary. So there we stood outside like a couple of idiots, back towards the wind that blew clouds of sand on us, repeatedly declining offers to buy “meni fruut for gud prais”. Personal note: “not taking no for an answer isn’t always positive”. After what seemed like an eternity but was actually about 20 minutes the jolly chauffeur reappeared and let us in with our fruit (a person can only say no for 236 consecutive times until his brain implodes).

Only moments (5-6 hours) later we arrived at Dar-Es-Salaam bus terminal, which was still a good 5 km outside the urban area (WHY?). The taxi drivers had cleverly decided that they’d bill five times the regular price, because there was no other way to get to town and everyone was desperate to go to the bathroom, shower, eat, sleep or basically just be as far away as possible from the tin can from hell that was the bus. After some minor haggling we were on our way to the Executive Hotel.

Don’t take me wrong, I’m not saying that the Executive Hotel wouldn’t have good qualities. All I’m saying is that it has one very bad one: it does not exist. Jewelz had booked AND paid the room at this infamous hotel through a UN travel agent, who said that the hotel didn’t have web pages but was otherwise very reliable and nice. She had given Jewelz the name, the phone number and the area where the hotel was allegedly located. None of the 15 taxi drivers knew exactly where it was, so we aimed for the area first and took it from there. Once we asked for directions around the area we were informed that such a hotel does not exist. There is an Exclusive Lodge, which we checked, but they had never heard about us. We called the phone number, where an uninterested lady told us that she was no hotel and stop calling. Well..

We browsed the Lonely Planet East Africa, desperately trying to find any hotel that was at least somehow safe and under 200$/night. We found one, but they didn’t take any cards or Kenyan dollars, but would have taken Swiss Francs or Euros, the man said smiling. Another taxi to the only ATM that was open at night and back to a third hotel, where the receptionist from the second hotel had made a reservation for us. I had some trouble understanding his business logic but let it go before my brain started “If it weren’t for my horse…”.

The only two positive things about the night were that the hotel room had some local music channel that played early nineties pop/rap music videos, which gave us a few chuckles, and the fact that my superior calculus skills confused the taxi driver so badly when exchanging the rates from Kenyan Shillings to Tanzanian Shillings to US dollars to Tanzanian Shillings that we ended up paying about half of the price that he originally asked us.

Viciously grinning I fell asleep with my Leatherman under my pillow, ready to unleash hell on any poor soul who would have the nerve to touch our door.

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