That time of the year is upon us once more. The time when a jolly old elf in a red suit makes his rounds giving presents to all the children around the world.

All the children? Well, not quite. There are many reasons why Santa might not be making his rounds around your house, some of which I’ll be listing for your edification now.

1. You’ve been naughty. It’s right there in the song, isn’t it? “He’s making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.” Is there one among us in this bustling modern world that can honestly claim to have never been at least a bit naughty? Like a player gazing at his karma meter while playing Fallout one should reflect upon the past year to determine for oneself if all the nice things you’ve done truly outweight the naughtiness, no matter how isolated the incidents may have been.
2. Your house doesn’t have a chimney. Sadly, in spite of all the leaps and bounds made in modern architecture most houses these days are ill-fit for good ol’ Santa. While Santa may be an expert at breaking and entering through chimneys it is his only form of entry. The man obviously takes a certain pride in his well-honed chimney-lunking skills and he may well not accept any substitutes.
3. You don’t have the proper Christmas spirit. If you’re one of those people whose initial reaction is to shout “Bah, humbug!” at the very mention of Christmas chances are there won’t be too many packages under your Christmas tree, for like faeries Santa requires at least a modicum of Holiday spirit to operate. Studies have shown that Santa’s performance decreases expontentially to the amount of disbelief in a given household. But fear not, there are documented cases of people realizing the true meaning of Christmas as late as Christmas Eve, meaning that even if you’re down there with the likes of Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch in terms of jollyness, there’s still hope left for you.
4. You’re not a Christian. There’s a reason why you can’t spell Christmas without Christ. As sad as it may be only a rough third of the world’s population is eligible for a visit from Santa Claus. While this is made somewhat easier by the fact that many religions have their own unique ways of observing the most cheerful time of year we can all probably agree that they are hardly any substitute for good ol’ Christ’s Mass! I mean, c’mon. Hanukkah?
5. You don’t believe in the sanctity of Santa. No really. What kind of a first name is Santa anyway? Good old St. Nicholas, patron saint of sailors, merchants, archers, children and, oddly, New York, is an honest to God saint. If you’re not a member of the select few denominations that recongnize saints (limited to the Roman Catholic and Orthodox churches) then, well, Santa claus certainly won’t be coming to your town.

While wild theories circulate about whether or not Santa Claus in fact truly exists we can mostly dismiss all of these as the work of skeptics who wish to spread their malign spirit to all others and destroy the true meaning of Christmas. Do not let their honeyed words tempt you: Santa is real as demonstrated by the many sightings that have been made of him for many years. Remember, it’s not too late to let Santa into your life!

And a merry Christmas to all of you!

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