Free coffee and biscuits caused a rampage
“The staff of the English Department, in an unprecedented act of foolishness and with complete lack of foresight, decided to offer the languishing student body something to cheer them up and maybe carry them through the harsh, cold winter months: coffee and biscuits. In a rampage one bystander described as ‘hauntingly similar’ to the Job Offer Riot of 2008 (when the department advertised one minimal pay opening as a departmental assistant), the onslaught of hunger-ridden, frothing and frenzied students took the entire department by surprise. In two and a half minutes it was all over. The casualty list was as long as the average Arts student’s debt statement and the damages to the department itself were severe enough to ensure another year of outdated equipment and second hand tuition for the students.”

20th century thinking resulted in expulsion
“Milt Johnson, a third-year student, was expelled from the Department of English after drawing a parallel between Chaucer’s epic The Canterbury Tales and Dan Simmons’ science fiction novel Hyperion. Johnson regarded the frame narrative structure of Hyperion as strikingly similar to that of Chaucer’s magnum opus. However, as a dusty professor of British literature immediately pointed out, such modern thinking is strictly forbidden in the halls of the antiquated English Department. Indeed, the institution prizes itself for offering the students a stuffy, constipated and mind-numbingly unimaginative curriculum that focuses on out-of-date ideas put forth by people who categorically believed the world to be anything but sphere-shaped. Johnson was, according to reliable sources, expelled as an example of what happens to people who question this ‘tried-and-true’ dogma that has ‘survived untouched for the last 800 years’, as one anonymous staff member was glad to report.”

Student pregnancy feared to result in the birth of the Antichrist
“Early last Tuesday, the Vatican was alerted to the possible conception of the Antichrist. The call was made by a distraught staff member from the Department of Comparative Religion. Mandy Travesty, a first-year student at the department, became pregnant after a nocturnal romp with one Hugo Ehrnsvärd from the Helsinki School of Economics. This ‘seed of an unholy union,’ as the staff member reported, ‘can lead to nothing else but the birth of the biblical Man of Sin.’ Until now, inter-disciplinary unions had been effectively discouraged (often with promises of violence), which is why the Travesty-Ehrnsvärd child is anticipated with much terror indeed. Only a handful of cases where Finance and Arts students bond are known to mankind, but luckily there is no evidence of any offspring to have come from such unions (though Tommi Läntinen has been implicated). The editors would like to offer the following words of consolation to the anxious readers: Fear not. Since you’re reading this, you’re probably from the Faculty of Arts and thus doomed anyway.“

Link to part one

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